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Myfanwy 2

April 2018



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Myfanwy 2

Welcome Home!

Welcome Home!
Author: Milady Dragon
Series: None (One-Shot)
Rating: PG
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto
Warnings: Not at all Gwen-Friendly, and I shouldn't have to warn for crack anymore, should I?  Because it's me.  Oh, and Temporary Character Death (off-screen)
Spoilers: Up through "Last of the Time Lords"
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, I would have treated it better
Author's Note: I wrote this for my Long Live Ianto Bingo Prompt: Mary Sue/Marty Stu.  And really, who's the biggest Mary Sue in Torchwood?   So this was written not only to give me a filled prompt but to poke fun at a certain Ms Cooper, because I just couldn't help myself. 

Summary:  Jack comes home from his time with the Doctor to discover that Gwen thinks she's the Last Torchwood Agent Standing. 

Yeah, right.

Gwen Cooper opened the door of her flat, to reveal…

“Jack!  You’re home!”  she squealed in sheer happiness.

Tugging him into the flat, Gwen enveloped him in a hug.  Then, after a few seconds – or minutes, depending on one’s point of view – she pulled away and slapped him.


“What was that for?” he asked, rubbing his cheek.

“You left us, Jack!” she accused.  “We had no idea where you were!  Ianto said something about a doctor, and I know you once made a comment about the right kind of doctor, but getting a physical exam doesn’t mean you get to vanish for three months!”

‘I know, and I’m sorry,” Jack answered.  “And it wasn’t a physical –“

“It doesn’t matter,” she interrupted.  “As long as you’re back.” She linked her arm through his and led him to the sofa. 

Gwen couldn’t believe how happy she was to have her Jack back.  It had been a rough couple of months, but now they could do what they needed to do to in order to save the world.

‘I went by the Hub –“

“Oh, that,” Gwen waved her hand as she sat down next to him.  She had the urge to climb into his lap, but it seemed like Jack wanted to talk first.  “It blew up.”

Jack went pale.  “What do you mean, it blew up?”

Gwen rolled her eyes at him.  “That’s what I said.  But that’s not important –“

“Not important?  Gwen, it was the Hub!” 

“We can rent an office of something if you feel we need to.”

“It was also my home!” he exclaimed.

“We can go out flat-hunting tomorrow!  Or you can stay here, that would be even better.  We can use this flat as our base, and we wouldn’t have to rent anything!”  She was excited about the prospect.  She could decorate as she pleased, and maybe they could use the money on an office for a new wardrobe for Jack…

“What about Rhys?” Jack demanded.  “And what about the rest of the team?”

“Oh, I Retconned Rhys,” she said breezily.  “After the Hub was destroyed and the team was gone –“

“What do you mean, ‘the team is gone’?”

Gwen huffed.  She wished Jack would quit interrupting her.  “Well, if they’d followed my orders, they wouldn’t have ended up dead.”

The expression on Jack’s face made Gwen wonder if he was constipated.  “What…?”

“First of all…I have no idea why you even hired Ianto.  He was completely useless in the field.  It’s no wonder he was clawed by that Weevil!  I tried to train him, but he wouldn’t listen to a thing I said.”

“Ianto’s…dead?” Jack whispered. 

Gwen could feel him shaking, and she wondered if he was cold.  Maybe she should turn off the air conditioning.   “I said he was.  It was too bad, because I haven’t had a decent cup of coffee since.”

“And…” Jack swallowed, “the rest of the team?”

“I tried to warn Toshiko about that alien tech, but she ignored me.  She touched it, and the Hub blew up.  It was just lucky that I wasn’t in it when it did, or else there wouldn’t have been anyone left to run Torchwood while you were gone.  As it was, I had just what equipment was in my car but I managed to take care of things alone.  It helped that the Rift hasn’t really done anything, at least not that I know of.”

“Both Owen and Tosh?” Jack squeaked.

“Yes, but that just goes to prove that I’m the best of the team for having survived, especially over the silly Tea Boy.  I proved I’m perfect for you by being the only one living through it all!  And now that you’re back we can start all over!”  Gwen bounced in her seat, feeling positively giddy.  “Just you and me…running Torchwood the way it was meant to be run!  It’ll be great!”  She moved closer, practically cuddling him.  “And then…we can be together like we were destined to be.  We’ll save the world!”

Jack suddenly jerked to his feet, practically tossing Gwen off the couch.  She pouted up at him.  “What was that for?”

Her Captain was breathing hard.  “I…I have to get out of here,” he stammered.  Not even looking at her – or kissing her, which she would have preferred he do – he left the flat, and left Gwen disappointed.

She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.  He’d be back.  He didn’t have a choice.  Besides, Gwen knew how Jack really felt about her. 


Jack stumbled out of Gwen’s flat, feeling sick to his stomach.

His entire team…gone.

Ianto was gone.

He’d used his memories of Ianto to get him through that year with the Master, and to come back and find him dead…and the wretched Gwen Cooper practically crowing over his corpse…

Jack walked away.

He didn’t get very far though when he felt someone grab him by the arm and pull him into an alley he was passing.

Jack had to admit he wished it was a Weevil or something, because he really wanted to take his pain out on something.

Instead, he was slammed against the wall and kissed to within an inch of his extremely long life by a pair of very familiar lips.

“Jesus, Tea Boy, let the man breathe.”

Jack pulled away from the lips currently molesting him and wondered if he’d died and had stayed that way this time.  “Gwen said you were all dead!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah well,” Owen said rolling his eyes, “Cooper’s an idiot.”

Jack looked at his team…his dead team.  They were all there, and he wanted to be mad at them for being dead even though they weren’t.  “What the hell happened?” he demanded.

Ianto went to move away, and Jack dragged him back with an arm around his waist.  There was no way he was letting his lover go anytime soon. 

“Gwen was driving us all insane,” Toshiko explained.  “She kept insisting that she was in charge because you’d hired her as Second in Command, when we all knew that you’d named Owen that after Suzie died.   Not even two weeks after you’d left she got Ianto killed –“

“Wait a second,” Jack interrupted.  “Ianto got killed?”  Okay, had grief done something to his mind?

“I’m fine, Jack,” Ianto reassured him.  “Turns out I’m immortal, like you are.”

“What?”  Jack examined his lover closely.  “How did that happen?”

“Owen thinks it was the kiss of life you gave me after…well, after Lisa killed me.”  Talking about his ex-girlfriend was still a sore subject, and Jack completely understood. 

“Yeah, well Cooper wasn’t around when Tea Boy here resurrected,” Owen went on.  “That’s when we decided we were gonna Retcon her and get rid of her.”

“If she could callously push Ianto in front of a rampaging Weevil,” Toshiko added, “then none of us wanted to be around her.”

Jack growled, tightening his grip on his lover.

“It’s fine, Jack,” Ianto reiterated.  “I’m fine.”

“But the Retcon didn’t work,” Owen snorted.  “We thought if we got a different dosage, it would be fine.  But she showed up the next morning just as chipper and arrogant as ever.”

“We still don’t know how she broke it,” Ianto admitted.  “So, we decided to blow up the Hub instead.”

“Only we didn’t,” Toshiko added.  “She just thinks we did,”

“So,” Jack said, “you all faked your deaths and simulated destroying the Hub just to get rid of Gwen?”  He couldn’t help but grin.  “That’s fantastic.”

“It was Ianto’s idea,” Owen said.  “Luckily for us Gwen didn’t see him in the Hub that morning.  I wouldn’t’ve wanted to explain why he wasn’t dead anymore.”

Ianto blushed slightly under the praise, but then Jack had always known his Welshman was brilliant. 

“We just missed you at the Hub,” Toshiko said.  “We lock it down completely when we have to leave, just in case Gwen decides to try to get access.”

“She’s tried a couple of times,” Ianto replied.  “But we wiped all her codes and had everything shut down.  She didn’t get in.”

“When we got back we noticed that the CCTV had been tripped,” Toshiko went on.  “When we saw it was you we tried to get to you before you saw Gwen…but we were too late.”

“Sorry about that, Harkness,” Owen murmured.  “We didn’t want her to tell you that we’d died.”

Jack laughed.  He couldn’t help it.  He gathered his team up for a group hug, Owen protesting all the way.  “I’m so glad to see all of you!” he cried.  “Don’t ever put me through that again!”

He let them go only after Owen began complaining loud enough to draw every Weevil in the area to them.  “Now,” Jack said, “let’s get back to work.  I want to know how you’ve managed to hide your activities from Gwen…”

The four of them headed back to the Hub, arm in arm.  Jack couldn’t have been happier.


Gwen sighed, looking out the window once more.  It had been hours since Jack had left, and now she was doubting that it had been a good idea to let him go.  He was probably on some building somewhere, and he’d come back when he was ready.

And he would be.  She knew that.  There was no Torchwood without Gwen Cooper.  She was the best, after all.  She and Jack could rule the world.


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Poor poor Jack for coming back to that. Very funny. Wonder if she would start to look for Jack when he doesn't come back.

Way too funny.
I know, but he got a great reward for having to put up with all that! Good grief, if Gwen finds Jack...LOL!

Why does it seem like there should be more, as Gwen won't give up on Jack? ;)
Gwen will give him a chance to come back...because, after all, he can't live without her! *laughs*
Bwahahaha! That's our Gwen. Bu watch out, all those Gwen-supporting MD loving folk (yes all 5 of them) are going to be after you!
Thanks! Oh dear, not the MD5!!! *laughs*
You know that in my head she decides to go searching for Jack on the rooftops, loses her balance and falls, right?
Or Myfanwy knocks her off *whistles innocently*
HAHA!! Priceless!
Thanks! *grins*
There must be a sequel, I just can't imagine Gwen leaving Jack alone, I can imagine her going all stalkish on him - great story, pity it wasn't like this
Well, of course Gwen will think Jack will come back because, after all he can't live without her. *laughs*
Where is a straight jacket when you need it for Gwen. And LOTS of valium.
Valium yes, because the Retcon doesn't work. LOL!
Giggled my way through this at Gwen's self delusion, great
Thank you! :)
Oh my goodness that was fun!
And dear god, you don't even have to try as the Mary-Sue-ness of Gwen just writes itself.

I just spent 2+ hours at a community concert as the kiddo had a performance in the middle and this was exactly the pick me up I needed. Nice work!
Glad you liked it!

Oh yes, the Mary Sueishness just happens whenever I write the word "Gwen". I can't seem to avoid it. *laughs*

Oh dear, I'm happy that I could pick up you. Hope the performance was worth the wait, though.
Crack indeed. Poor, deluded Gwennie-poo, How I loathe thee. :)

Thank you very much! And yes, I'm with the loathing, too. *grins*
OMG, that's priceless! :D
Thank you! Glad you liked it, *laughs*
Hah! I didn't think Gwen could be more delusional - and then I am proven wrong. As far as getting rid of Gwen goes, this has to be one of the most creative methods I have read. I really enjoyed it. :)
Delusional!Gwen is just so easy to write! Thank you very much. *grins*
Love this.

Love it, love it, love it, love it, love it, love it.... You get the general idea. :D

This was like a crack-induced version of THAT conversation in ep 7 of Miracle Day. Absolutely brilliant, and just what I needed to send me off to bed with a grin on my face!
I had to try to put something of that conversation into it, because if I hadn't hated Gwen before that would have put me over the top.

Glad you liked it, and glad I could send you off to bed with a good laugh. :)
That has scarily canon-like feeling))) Everyone is perfectly in character))
Very good story!
Thank you! Oblivious!Gwen is so easy to write because it's so true! Glad you enjoyed it. :)
Oh god I couldn't stop laughing!! LMAO! This was brillient. I so wish this had of happened in the show, then we wouldn't of had to put up with her. Love it lol
If this had happened in the show there would have been much rejoicing!

Glad you liked it. *grins*
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