milady_dragon (milady_dragon) wrote,

Plausible Deniability

Plausible Deniability
Author: Milady Dragon
Series: Conversations Universe
Rating: PG
Pairing(s): Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones; Phil Coulson/Clint Barton (hinted at)
Warnings: None really, just a bit of snark between two snarky men
Spoilers: Up through Children of Earth, and the Avengers Movie
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, I would have treated it better.  And I don't own The Avengers, but at least Joss Whedon had the good sense to bring back Phil Coulson...unlike another series showrunner I could mention (*cough* RTD *cough*)

Author's Note:  Yes, I'm still working on my other stuff, but this just came to me after overdosing on Agents of SHIELD, which if you are not watching you should be!  This is the third story in the Conversations Verse. 

Summary:   Phil Coulson has another favour to ask Ianto Jones, but this one involves the Helicarrier and Cardiff Bay...


“Torchwood Cardiff, Ianto Jones speaking.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Jones.  I hope your day is going well?”

“Agent Coulson, good day.  Yes, so far things have been rather quiet…why do I get the feeling that might be about to change?”

“Because, outside of the annual above top secret all-agency meeting, I only call if there’s something wrong?”

“That might have something to do with it.”


“Was that a collision alarm in the background?”

“It might have been, yes.”

“Dare I ask what’s happening?”


“All right, that sounded ominous.”

“That is what losing an engine sounds like.”


“Mister Jones?”

“I don’t know whether to be honoured or horrified that you chose me to call during what appears to be the helicarrier crashing.”

“I believe a combination of both is advisable.”

“And what happened to cause the helicarrier to crash?”

“We had a slight run-in with the Valiant.”

“Can we define ‘slight’ please?”

“The captain of the Valiant decided he wanted to play a game of Chicken with us.  I believe posturing was involved.”

“And not a little dick-waving, I would assume.”

“You would assume correctly.”

“I take it the Valiant lost?”

“I am ashamed of you for even having to ask that question.”

“Of course, Agent Coulson.  Please forgive me.”

“I’ll consider it, if you could do us a small favour.”

“The last time you asked for a favour it entailed Iron Man, the Hulk, Daleks, and Retcon in the London water supply.”

“You did get unlimited credit for the tailor you requested.”

“And a phone call from Director Fury wanting to know who spends one thousand pounds on a suit.”

“Only one thousand?”

“Of course.  I do need suits for work, ones I don’t mind getting stained with Weevil drool.”

“I understand completely; I have the same sorts of suits myself, only I have a set of completely different fluids that they are exposed to.”

“I’m not certain why the Director doesn’t understand that.”

“Because he thinks leather dusters are the height of fashion?”

“Try dealing with an immortal who believes 40’s military gear helps him blend into the crowd.”

“I think I may stick with the leather, thank you.”

“Getting back on the subject…you were saying something about a favour?”

“Yes, I was.  This particular favour simply has to do with clearing Cardiff Bay of any boats, since that seems to be where the helicarrier is heading.”

“Well, that will certainly make for interesting rumours about the city.”

“Do you think it would be too much of an issue?  It’s just that I don’t think we’ll make it much farther out to sea.”

“It shouldn’t be, no.  I’ll simply contact the Lord Mayor and ask that he clear all shipping away from the Bay.  He’s used to the odd request from Torchwood by now.  Should I also suggest that he ask Director Fury along for afternoon tea?”

“Are there CCTV cameras in the Lord Mayor’s office?”

“Yes, there are.”

“Then please do so.  And make certain the cameras are running.”

“I shall. Oh, and how much time do I have before you crash?”

“About ten minutes our helmsman is saying.  Is that enough time?”

“Certainly.  I should get on that call immediately, though.”

“And I should make sure everything is battened down and that I get into my assigned crash position.”

“Coffee when you arrive?”

“Yes, thank you Mr. Jones.  That would be most appreciated.”

“Not a problem.  I’ll see you in ten minutes then.”

“Better make it fifteen.  I’ll need the extra five minutes to make sure the Director’s coat isn’t torn or there aren’t any casualties.”

“Will do.  Good luck with the crash.”

“Thank you, but I’m pretty certain we have everything under control…well, as much as a plummeting helicarrier can actually be under control, that is.”




“Ah, yes.  Thank you.  I must say, the helicarrier isn’t drawing as much attention as I thought it would.”

“This is Cardiff.  The residents have seen stranger things than an aircraft carrier lookalike bobbing about in the bay.  There was that one time an alien ship crashed, and had cloaked itself to resemble a large, yellow rubber duck, thinking that would help it hide from any attention.”

“That sounds like an enjoyable afternoon.”

“It was, yes.  I’m certain there’s still footage somewhere on YouTube.  Toshiko tried to remove it all, but every other week or so someone posts it back.”

“I can see how you keep your team in line now.  I’d be on my best behaviour if you threatened to stop making me coffee this good.”

“It’s my superhero ability.”

“You should be in the Avengers with a power like this.”

“Oh, I thought you might be interested in knowing that the Valiant has turned up.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes.  Apparently it crash-landed in and around a sheep farm near the Brecon Beacons.  The farmer is quite upset about it.”

“Let him know to bill UNIT for any loss of his flock.”

“I have already done so, but that’s not what had him up in arms.  It had more to do with the rather large green man cuddling his prized ewe.”

“Ah, yes.  I apologize; I forgot to mention that Dr. Banner had been on board the helicarrier when the Valiant made its appearance.   The Hulk does calm down remarkably well if given some form of fuzzy animal to cuddle.”

“I do wish I’d known that in London.”

“It’s a classified matter.”

“Of course it is.”

“Doctor Banner overheard the Valiant’s captain tossing around slurs like nobody’s business.  He didn’t take too kindly to them, turned green, and then jumped from the helicarrier and onto the Valiant.”

“That should teach her captain not to hurl insults while Bruce Banner is around.”

“He wouldn’t have even been on the helicarrier if it weren’t for the lover’s tiff he and Stark had.”

“Their relationship does strike me as somewhat…fractious.  The sex must be amazing.”

“If you believe Stark, then yes it is.  Not that I want to know, of course.”

“Of course not.”

“From what Agent Romanov overheard, Dr. Banner had expressed an interest in visiting CERN, because an old friend of his worked there and, now that the Big Guy is a charter member of the Avengers, he doesn’t have to avoid places where the cutting-edge research is done out of fear that the natives would come after him with pitchforks and flaming torches.”

“That must make him happy.”

“Well, he’s a little bit less angry, which is an improvement.”

“And what did Stark do to cause their falling out?”

“He told Dr. Banner that he didn’t need to go to Switzerland, and that he – Stark – was perfectly willing to build him his own supercollider and had, in fact, once built a miniature one in his Malibu home, and that Dr. Banner would have been able to use that one if Ms. Potts hadn’t forced him to take it apart because the housekeeper hated vacuuming around it.  At that point Dr. Banner accused Stark of trying to buy his affections and stormed out of the Tower.  From various surveillance devices around the lobby he was heard to be singing “Can’t Buy Me Love” on the way out.”

“Oh dear.”

“We’re still not certain how he got past the TSA and customs and into Switzerland, but he managed somehow, and it’s caused all sorts of commotion.”

“Well, when one has been on the run as long as Dr. Banner had, I would think one would learn certain tricks.  Besides, I’m certain the TSA is only upset because they had the Hulk incognito on one of their flights and didn’t know about it so they could panic on the actual day.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that supposition, but then I don’t think I really need to.”

“Not really, no.  So, Dr. Banner managed to sneak past all sorts of security to get to CERN.  I do hope he enjoyed himself; the last time I was there I was nearly killed by an alien who made me think it was all of my dead friends and relatives come back to haunt me and then attempted to feast on all of the neutrons in my body.”

“Doctor Sato is still the talk of CERN, just so you know.”

“I’m not surprised.  Tosh managed to save the day and find them their Higgs Particle without even breaking out into a sweat.”

“That’s one smart lady.  Doctor Banner would like to meet her, especially since Agent Barton speaks so highly of her.”

“Well, he’ll get his chance.  I’ve arranged to have him brought to Cardiff.  We happened to have an associate in the area who was more than happy to make a detour and bring him back with him.”

“Does this associate of yours know he’s dealing with the Hulk?”

“He does, and figures it can’t be any worse than dealing with his wife when she’s PMS’ing.”

“If he thinks that, I don’t think I want to meet his wife.”

“You already have.  In fact, you had the pleasure of seeing her thrown in the helicarrier’s brig by Director Fury.”


“Yes, exactly.”

“Then your man won’t have any problems with Dr. Banner at all.”

“Rhys also happened to have a pair of coveralls for Dr. Banner to wear so you won’t have to deal with any indecent exposure charges that might have turned up.”

“Your associate just happens to carry around extra clothing?”

“Ever since I had to rescue a naked Jack from a lump of concrete and Rhys got an eyeful, yes.”

“Then that makes perfect sense.” 

“They should be back in Cardiff in approximately five hours, depending on how many times Rhys needs to let the ewe out for nature breaks.”

“The farmer allowed them to take his sheep?”

“I doubt he had a choice, unless he wanted to fight the Hulk for her.”

“I’ve seen it attempted.  It’s never pretty.”

“Also, I have set up the tea with the Lord Mayor for Director Fury.  I also took the opportunity to include Jack in the invitation.”

“Has Captain Harkness done something to irritate you, then?”

“Not at all.  It’s simply that I need to remind him at various times just who is in charge.”

“And drinking tea with your Lord Mayor and Director Fury will do that?”

“Admirably.  And I will also make certain you receive any and all recordings of the event.”

“And it isn’t even my birthday.”

“I may or may not have something else planned for your birthday.”

“I look forward to it…oh, and here comes the Director’s helicopter.  I should meet him and explain his afternoon’s plans.”

“And I should find Jack and send him along to the Mayor’s office.  I think this meeting should be a surprise.”

“Are you certain Captain Harkness hasn’t pissed you off?”

“Quite sure.  It was good to see you again, Agent Coulson.”

“And you as well, Mr. Jones.  I won’t tell anyone about the coffee; I think this is a secret I’ll keep to myself.”

“Agent Barton knows.”

“I know how to keep him quiet.  And no, I don’t think I’ll explain how I do it.”

“No explanations are required.  Have a good day.”

“You, too.”

Tags: avengers, conversations universe, crossover, plausible deniability, torchwood
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