On Lessons for Playing High-Stakes Poker
Author: Milady Dragon
Warning: Implied smut (of course!), Cross-dressing, Porno Aladdin costumes, Gratuitous use of the word "Spoilers", and of course Crack.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who. If I did there would be more sex and less death.
Author's Note: This is a sequel to On Proper Uses for Alien Tech. It's also written for the longliveianto Happy Millennium Birthday Challenge, which is to write a story for Ianto's 1000th birthday.
Summary: When Ianto Jones thought about how he would be spending his 1000th birthday, this wasn't it...
Ianto Jones had learned quite a few lessons over his long life:
How to make the perfect cup of coffee;
That it takes a real man to be able to run in Florsheim dress shoes and not develop major foot and knee damage later in life;
Sometimes, a Zalandian double-headed dildo is actually a high-tech DNA converter;
Pregnant women are deadly when they crave chocolate…and so are pregnant men;
The American television show, Babylon 5, was based on real events. It seemed that the show’s creator had fallen through the Rift and used his future knowledge to make it relatively big in Hollywood. And yes, the Centauri men really do have all those genitalia…now, that had been an amazing night; Ianto had had his mind blown so many times he’d been surprised it hadn’t dribbled out of his ears. And Jack hadn’t been in much better condition;
Also, Jack knew how to put together the best orgy ever. That had been a surprise on Ianto’s five hundredth birthday, and it had lasted for days. He hadn’t been able to walk a straight line for over a week, and hadn’t regretted a thing;
And, the latest lesson:
Don’t trust your immortal partner when says he has the winning hand in an all-in card game, and asks if he could bet you to make the pot.
It was just this sort of thing that got Ianto into his current predicament: held prisoner in a Xorax harem, wearing something that could be interpreted as being an outfit that a porno version of Aladdin would have on.
It was very drafty, and did nothing to cover his naughty bits.
Jack would have adored it.
That was, if Jack ever got to see it. If Ianto did get out of there, it was going to be a very long time indeed before his partner would be seeing anything that this so-called costume completely failed to cover.
Not exactly the way he wanted to spend his birthday, either.
That was another thing: Jack had promised him that they’d do something for his one thousandth birthday…and that was today. It was at times like this, that Ianto wished he knew when his partner’s birthday was, so he could do something completely immature and ruin it.
He paced the ornate surroundings that were his current prison. He’d been in many cells over his long life, but at least this one was comfortable. He just wished the air conditioning wasn’t up so high…it was quite nippy in his nether regions, and not in a good way. It would have helped if there was something to keep his mind occupied, that wasn’t some form of vengeance for Jack getting him into this situation to begin with.
Ianto was just getting itchy enough to try to break down the door – since apparently Jack couldn’t be arsed to come and rescue him – when a strange high-pitched humming kicked up beyond the solid-looking wood composite and the lock clicked loudly.
He dashed for the door, hoping to be able to overpower whoever it was on the other side. Ianto positioned himself with his back to the wall, watching as the door was pushed open.
Just as he was about to knock the stranger unconscious, he realized the person coming in wasn’t a stranger at all.
“Doctor!” he snapped, lowering his fist.
The Time Lord spun on his heel. It was the Doctor’s eleventh incarnation, and he looked extremely surprised to see the young immortal…if his eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets was any clue.
Then he grinned. “Ianto Jones!” he greeted warmly. “Fancy meeting you here!”
Ianto then noticed that he wasn’t alone: his current companion, Amy Pond, was standing just outside the door, her mouth hanging open in surprise.
Then he noticed the drool and just where her eyes were resting.
“Oi!” Ianto exclaimed. “My face is up here!”
She tore her eyes away from what Ianto inadvertently had on display, her face flaming as red as her hair. There were times when Ianto wondered if the Doctor had her around just because he thought her gingerness would rub off on his next regeneration, since it was obvious he couldn’t swing it himself.
He turned his attention back to the Doctor. That was when he saw the garment bag thrown over the alien’s shoulder; Amy had one as well. And what were they doing in a Xorax harem, anyway?
“What are you two doing in a Xorax harem?” he asked sharply. “And with luggage?”
“Xorax harem?” the Doctor reared back slightly in surprise. “Who told you this was a Xorax harem?”
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe the Xorax who won me off Jack in that poker game?” Trust the Doctor to have landed somewhere and he didn’t even have a clue.
He could feel Amy’s eyes on him once more. Ianto glanced at her again, noticing once more where her gaze had strayed. “Stop it!” he growled. “I don’t even have to be telepathic to know you’re objectifying me in your head! And don’t you have a boyfriend or fiancé or something?”
The Doctor shook his head, hard enough to knock something loose. “But Jack objectifies you all the time!”
Ianto smirked. “But his form of objectifying has me wanting to take him across the nearest flat surface.” The smirk faded as he remembered he was supposed to be pissed off at his fellow immortal. “Which isn’t going to happen after what he’s done! And that doesn’t answer my original question: what are the pair of you doing in a Xorax harem with luggage?”
The Time Lord got that look on his face that was supposed to be crafty, but instead made him look constipated. “I can’t say…spoilers!”
Ianto barely resisted the urge to bitch-slap him. “Do you have any idea how sick and tired I am of that word? Every couple of decades, you pop up, look at me like you expect me to do some sort of funny trick, then yell ‘Spoilers!’ and bugger off once more!”
“Do I?” He managed confused this time, but Ianto didn’t believe him.
“Yes, you do,” he snorted. “Now, you two might want to be here, but I don’t. So if you wouldn’t mind stepping aside…”
“Can I have your autograph?” Amy blurted suddenly, stopping Ianto in his tracks.
He suspected he was giving her one of those goldfish looks that were so unattractive on just about everyone, including Jack…which was saying something. “What?” was all he could get out.
The Doctor looked aghast. “Amy!”
The girl blushed. “Sorry! I just thought…”
The Time Lord cuffed her on the back of the head. “Spoilers!”
“But this is the perfect time to ask!”
“It’s too early!”
“But then I can say ‘I knew him when!’”
“It won’t do any harm – “
“Excuse me!” Ianto shouted. “While I’m sure you both are enjoying your little domestic, I would quite like it if you stopped arguing about something I may or may not do in the future and let me get the hell out of here before the Xorax gets back!”
That single quiet exclamation drew Ianto’s attention from the Doctor and his very embarrassed companion to the also very embarrassed Captain Jack Harkness, who had apparently come up onto the conversation unwittingly and was just now getting the fact that there was a very pissed off Ianto Jones standing in the doorway wearing next to nothing.
Wait…what did Jack have to be embarrassed about?
“It’s about time you decided to show up,” Ianto said acerbically, crossing his arms over his chest.
The Doctor was glancing back and forth between Jack and Ianto, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but had wisely decided to stay silent. In the back of his mind Ianto was thinking just how ironic it was that he’d just called the Doctor and Amy down for a domestic, and there he was about to get into one with Jack.
“Did you take your time to sample the wares before realizing you should be rescuing your partner?” Ianto went on, glaring at the older immortal.
Jack’s mouth dropped open. “It wasn’t like that!”
Out of the corner of his eye Ianto could see the Doctor and Amy slowly moving away, out of range. That showed some intelligence, at least.
“Oh, I see. So you were just going to take your time in rescuing me?”
Jack rolled his eyes at that. “You’re a big boy you know. I’ve seen you break out of worse situations.”
“But I trusted…you know, never mind. I just want to get out of here and get some proper clothes on.” Jack opened his mouth, but Ianto put one finger up. “And no, we cannot keep the harem-boy outfit.”
Truth to tell, Ianto found himself disappointed, and it wasn’t because of Jack losing him in that card game or not at least attempting a rescue in a timely matter. No, he was disappointed because it was his birthday, and he’d hoped to spend it with the man he loved, and not as a prisoner in a harem having arguments about spoilers with the Doctor and his companion…who obviously wasn’t getting any if the looks she’d been giving him was any indication.
He pushed past them all, started to stride purposely down the corridor…then froze, Jack’s appearance finally making itself known to Ianto’s rather distracted brain.
Was Jack in drag?
Turning, Ianto got a good look at his partner’s outfit. He was wearing what looked like a belly dancer’s outfit, with his toned midriff bare and the skirt slung obscenely low on his hips. Gold coins dangled from the waistband of the skirt, and the cutest gold sandals ever decorated his feet. He was even wearing earrings!
“Um…” was all Ianto could get out. His mouth suddenly went dry, and his kink-o-meter shot up toward the extreme high end of the scale. “Is there a reason you’re dressed like that?”
“Huh?” Jack said intelligibly, looking down at his outfit. “Oh yeah…it’s for the party.”
“And what party is that?”
“Um…your surprise party?”
Ianto suspected he was looking like a goldfish again. What a slap to what dignity he had left… “Surprise party?” He also suspected that there was some sort of short circuit in his brain preventing him from quite grasping what Jack was intimating at.
“Well, I was kinda expecting you to have broken out of that room by now,” Jack answered. “I was coming up to check on you…see, you were supposed to escape, then come downstairs where everyone was waiting to jump out from behind things and yell ‘Surprise!’ at you.”
“I see.” A suspicious warm feeling suffused Ianto’s chest. A surprise party…Jack had planned a surprise party for his birthday.
But wait…”So, the poker game was a set-up to get me here?”
Jack shrugged. “Yeah. Ben’goah is a friend, and he arranged for us to use his house, but I needed a way to get you here without you suspecting anything.”
“So you thought you’d lose me in a card game? Really, Jack…”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Give you a bit of adventure and all…plus it was costume, you once told me you’d never been to a costume party before…”
Jack looked so inconsolable, that Ianto promptly forgave him. He knew just how weak he was when his partner wore that expression, even though there was a part of him that felt he should still be just a wee bit angry at having been put through all that.
Besides, Jack did puppy dog eyes a lot better than the Doctor did.
“Tell you what,” Ianto said, “why don’t just pretend I don’t know about the party, and I’ll act all surprised when I come down. I’ll even give you a couple of minutes to get ready.”
The smile that lit up Jack’s face was actually worth all the embarrassment of the barely-there costume. He grabbed Ianto and planted a big wet one on his lips. “You won’t be disappointed!” the older immortal swore. Then he practically flounced away, the little coins on the skirt he was wearing making a chiming sound that almost had Ianto rushing after him, pulling him back into the bedroom, and making those gold ornaments jingle in a lot of other ways.
God, he really needed to get his kinks under control.
Then he realized that he still had company. He turned to look at the Doctor and Amy, who both wore expressions saying they weren’t sure what Ianto was going to do, but they wanted a head start in any case. Ianto simply raised an eyebrow, still irritated by all that spoilers crap.
“We’ll…just go and change somewhere else,” the Time Lord said, sidling around the younger immortal, pulling Amy with him. She was back to staring at his crotch, and Ianto made a mental note to find out just who her boyfriend was and to have a nice talk with him about taking better care of his significant other.
Ianto was left on his own. He decided to give Jack another five minutes, then he was going to enjoy the surprise party. But he knew he’d really have to talk to his partner about his ideas and how to better implement them…
And yeah…maybe he’d be keeping the porno Aladdin get-up after all.