Summary: Ianto has to talk to Jack about the proper way to fill out his paperwork.
Warnings: Implied smut, and some more of my attempt at crack!fic.
Spoilers: None really
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, but I wish I did.
Author;s note: This is a sequel to On Proper Uses for Alien Tech. It does come before On Lessons for Playing High Stakes Poker...way before. It's written for teachwriteslash; and posted on 1900_crayons ; even though I don't know you well, from what I do know you're a fantastic, giving person as well as a very talented writer. Your stories have given me a great of pleasure. If this little story makes you laugh just a little, then my job is done. Thanks for everything you do!
It was the silliest thing Ianto Jones had seen in a long time.
Jack Harkness had a crayon balanced on his upper lip.
Not just any crayon…if Ianto was correct, the color name given for that particular shade was Sky Blue.
He stood there in the door of Jack’s office in the rebuilt Hub, a sheaf of papers in one hand, about ready to give his erstwhile boss what for about the condition of his paperwork. But honestly, how was he supposed to stay mad at an immortal with a crayon mustache?
Jack’s head dropped down, and the crayon fell off. He grinned, not at all embarrassed at having been caught mucking about with a crayon. “And what can I do for you, Ianto?” he asked playfully.
“You can explain to me why you’ve decided to start filling out your paperwork in crayon.” He barely held in the urge to flap the aforementioned paperwork in his hand in Jack’s general direction.
Jack’s grin morphed into a happy smile. “It’s great, isn’t it? Now I can color-code everything! Burnt Umber goes to UNIT, Caribbean Green for the Home Office, Royal Purple for Her Majesty – “
“But Jack,” Ianto tried to stifle his sigh, but failed at the effort, “it’s completely unprofessional to fill out your paperwork like that!”
The immortal simply shrugged. “I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” Ianto tried to explain, “is that we are supposed to be the premier alien fighting organization on Earth. Filling out your paperwork like that shows a distinct lack of maturity on our part. Where did you get them, anyway?”
“Stephen left them in the SUV after I dropped him off at Alice’s yesterday.”
Ianto held out his hand. “Okay, hand them over.”
Jack brought out the pout that usually had Ianto wanting to pet him on the head. However, this time the younger immortal would not be swayed.
“You cannot write your reports in crayon, Jack,” he put his foot down. “There are children out there who need crayons and don’t have them, and you’re wasting them on your paperwork.”
“No, Jack. And before you even suggest it, we also cannot use them as sex toys. I don’t trust anything you stick up my arse anymore.”
“That’s not fair!”
Ianto raised an eyebrow. “Fair? All right, I admit I don’t mind the immortality thing. And I might actually get used to the Doctor screaming “Spoilers!” at me every time he sees me. But really…now I have to take birth control because I can get pregnant. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have to go to the chemists every month to fill the prescription Martha gave me?”
“You never let me have any fun!” Ianto really didn’t want to be the one to tell Jack that his nephew David pulled off the petulant act a lot better.
“Is that so? Then who was it who let you make models of my penis in different colored modeling clays? And who wears that plushy beaver costume you like so well? And I’m not even getting into the times you make me say certain words because you get off on my accent, or the bathtub you wanted filled with my special coffee blend – “
Jack’s eyes were getting decidedly glazed. Ianto knew that was a sure sign that they’d end up shagging over the desk if he didn’t get his lover’s mind back on track.
God, why did he have to the adult in this relationship? Now, that wasn’t fair…
That snapped him back to attention. Jack blinked, then let loose the puppy eyes. “But color-coding the forms makes sense – “
“Then use post-its. And if you don’t want to do that, I’ll buy you some pretty colored file folders. But you absolutely cannot use crayons to fill out your paperwork.” He held up a finger to forestall Jack’s comeback. “And, if you redo all this, I’ll make it worth your while later.”
That earned Ianto a leer. “Do you promise?”
“Of course. Now, hand over the crayons or else.” He let Jack’s imagination fill in the details of that threat.
Jack sighed, digging into his desk for the box of crayons. He gave them to Ianto, in exchange for the reports he’d be rewriting. “Can I please get some coffee to fortify me?” Jack asked, practically begging.
Ianto put the box in his pocket, making a mental note to get them back to their rightful owner. “Yes, I’ll make you a coffee.”
As he turned to leave, Ianto wondered if he’d get to be childish when he finally passed the two millennium mark…