milady_dragon (milady_dragon) wrote,

On Care and Feeding of Not-So-Fluffy Bunnies

On Care and Feeding of Not-So-Fluffy Bunnies
Author: Milady Dragon
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Warning(s): Excessive crack, Werebunnies, naked!Jack, rabbit!Jack,  Jack just generally being Jack
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, but if I did there would be werebunnies in it.
Author;s Note:  This is another in my "On-Verse" series.  It is set after On Crayons and Paperwork and this is the reason I didn't sleep last night...this idea hit me at 3:30am this morning and demanded to be written.  Silly more ways than one.  Also, my Halloween challenge fic is giving me fits, and I wanted to write something vaguely for the season, even if it is a different sort of were creature...

Summary:  A seemingly ordinary Rift alert changes Jack in ways that Ianto really doesn't like...


Ianto Jones sighed, putting the finishing touches on the report he’d just written, then leaned back in his chair, arching his back in order to relief the soreness that had settled in there.

It had been a relatively easy retrieval…at least, he’d thought so.  A Rift spike had taken them to Penarth, but the only thing he and Jack had been able to find at the location was…a rabbit.  It had been an odd, not-quite-ginger color, and it hadn’t taken to Jack at all, biting the captain when he’d tried to pick it up.  Of course, Ianto had attempted to tell Jack that you didn’t lift rabbits like that…so, really Jack totally deserved to be bitten.  And, if Ianto had to admit it, it had been hilarious watching his lover act like a child who’d just gotten a boo boo, flapping his hand around and generally pouting.

And no…Ianto hadn’t offered to kiss it better.

Amid Jack’s lame Monty Python jokes, culminating in him asking Ianto if he’d wanted to hold his Holy Hand Grenade, they’d gotten the animal into a containment box, Jack convinced that it had to be alien because it had bit him, and animals loved him so it just had to be wrong somehow.

So now, the not-quite-ginger rabbit was now ensconced in one of the cells, with plenty of leafy greens and with an affronted look on its rabbity features. 

Ianto had had no idea a bunny could look like that.

 The younger immortal stood, his back cracking in response.  He set the file into his outbox for in the morning, deciding to check in on Jack and see if his lover wanted any more coffee.  He glanced at his watch; it was after 1am in the morning, so maybe not.  While it was true neither man needed very little sleep, he was damned if he’d feed Jack’s addiction to caffeine this late.

Other addictions though were fair game.

Ianto headed up to Jack’s office, to rescue him from his own paperwork.  Perhaps Ianto would even get some sort of reward…

Instead, he found a rabbit sitting on Jack’s desk.

It was a brown rabbit, and it was staring at Ianto…and pouting. 

Ianto stared back.  How the hell could a rabbit pout, for Gods’ sake?

It was just a bit creepy.

And what was a rabbit doing in Jack’s office, anyway?

Where was Jack?

As that thought occurred to him, Ianto began searching.  He knew Jack hadn’t left; he hadn’t heard any of the entrances to the Hub open, plus Jack would have had to walk right past him if he’d left.  So, Jack had to be in his office…

The only thing Ianto could find was a pile of clothes in Jack’s chair.

Of course, finding Jack’s clothes always meant one thing…the problem was, Jack wasn’t there, molesting Ianto in such a way as to have the younger man panting ‘more’, ‘don’t stop’, and ‘faster’. 

The rabbit kept watching him, the pout still on its face.

Only Jack could pout like that.

Oh shit…

Once Ianto put it all together, he didn’t know whether to facepalm or to laugh himself sick.  Instead, he folded all of Jack’s abandoned clothes, then sat himself down in Jack’s chair.

The rabbit hopped into his lap.

“Oh Jack,” he sighed, petting the rabbit.  “Why do you get yourself into these situations?”

The rabbit stuck its nose in Ianto’s crotch.

Yes…the rabbit was, indeed, Jack.

Ianto reached over and tapped some commands into Jack’s computer.  He pulled up the CCTV of the cell where their newest ‘guest’ was; yes, the not-quite-ginger rabbit was still there, and it was munching on some of the kale Ianto had left it.  The scans currently running were, so far, not revealing anything, but it was obvious that the bite had transmitted something to Jack, to turn him into a bunny.

Ianto decided to laugh.

Rabbit-Jack pouted some more, apparently not finding the humor in the situation that Ianto did.

Ianto went back to the scans, hoping to find something to explain why his lover was currently a very soft, very brown rabbit.  It was minutes later when he noticed Jack moving against his thigh…

“OI!” he snapped.  “No humping the Armani!”

Jack stopped…oh, so not only could he still pout, he could pull out the puppy-dog eyes.

Rabbits shouldn’t be allowed to do that.

“Later,” Ianto said firmly.  “Once we get you back to yourself.  I refuse to devolve into bestiality just because you now have the sex drive of a rabbit…oh, wait…”

Ianto did facepalm then.  Nothing had changed, really.  Jack had always been like that.

Jack retaliated by sticking his nose back into Ianto’s crotch.

Ianto sighed.  It was going to be a long night…

He played with the idea of calling the rest of the team in, but there really wasn’t anything anyone could do until the mainframe had chewed on the readings coming from the cell.  Besides, Ianto didn’t want to damage Jack’s dignity any more than he had to…

“Jack, stop it!  You’re getting my trousers wet!”

The rabbit-Jack looked up innocently from where he’d been nuzzling Ianto’s groin. 

“Don’t give me that look, Captain!  If you’re not going to sit still, I’ll take you down to the cell with our friend and you can have all the bunny fun you want!”

Jack huffed.

A rabbit actually huffed.

Ianto prayed for patience….


At a little bit before 6:30am, Ianto suddenly found himself with a lapful of naked Jack Harkness.

He quickly put his arms around Jack, so the older man wouldn’t slide off his lap.  “You all right?” he asked, surprised at the sudden change-back.

“You mean, besides the weird urge I have to eat a cabbage and rut against your leg?” Jack answered, his own arms going around Ianto.

“You always have the urge to rut against my leg,” Ianto pointed out.

“Not in this way,” his lover retorted.  “Although…”

Ianto was so very glad he hadn’t been subjected to Jack’s leer while the man had been a rabbit.  He had a feeling he’d be having nightmares if he had.

“Well, at least I’m back to normal,” Jack said, nuzzling Ianto’s neck.

“But we still don’t know why you changed – Jack!”

“What?  You said once I was back to myself – “

“Yes, but not immediately!  We still need to know what happened.  I’m not going to get naked with you only to have you change back into a rabbit.”

“You’re no fun!”

“No, I’m not.  Now, you get dressed and I’m going to check our rabbity friend in the cell.”

Ianto pushed Jack off his lap, and the older immortal flounced off.  Ianto rolled his eyes, wished that, once again, he wasn’t the only adult in this relationship, then checked the CCTV.

His jaw dropped, and he was down at the cell in less than a minute.

He skidded to a stop in front of the cell. The rabbit inside had also changed; a naked man stood there, his hands cupped protectively over his privates as he stared at Ianto.  “Should’ve known I’d get caught by Torchwood eventually,” the man groaned.

“PC Davidson,” Ianto drawled, trying very hard to keep the surprise out of his voice.  “You’re quite possibly the last person I ever expected to see here.  Mind explaining how you can apparently change into a rabbit?”


“See?” Jack chortled.  “I told you a normal rabbit would never have bitten me!”

Ianto rolled his eyes.  “Yes, Jack.  Now sit down and let Andy explain.”

Andy Davidson – now dressed in a pair of Ianto’s jeans and hoody – sat on the tattered sofa, a mug of coffee in his hands.  He kept glancing between the two men, as if trying to judge which one was the most sane. 

Apparently he decided that was Ianto.   “It runs in my family.  My Grandtad was a wereweazel.  My Tad,” he shuddered, “well, the less said about him the better.”

“And you’re…” Ianto waited for the PC to fill in the blank.

“A wererabbit.”

Ianto had to choke back the laughter.  It wasn’t really all that funny…and yet, it was.

“And you decided to infect me?” Jack demanded. 

“Yeah, well if you hadn’t picked me up like that, I wouldn’t have bitten you!” Andy retorted.

Jack huffed…and it sounded exactly the same as it had when he was a rabbit.

“Why were you out there in that alley in Penarth?”  Ianto asked.

“Was out with some friends.  There was this flash of light…and I was a rabbit.  It usually happens at the full moon, but for some reason…” Andy shrugged. “I take it Mulder changed last night, too?”

“Mulder?” Jack demanded.  “You mean you bit someone else besides me?”

“No, Jack,” Ianto pointed out.  “It’s Andy’s nickname for you.  I’ll explain later.”

Jack crossed his arms and managed to look irritated.

“But yes,” Ianto went on.  “Jack did turn into a rabbit last night.”

“A Jackrabbit?” Andy chortled.

Ianto pinched his nose between his finger and thumb, bemoaning his apparently maturity among his peers. 

Jack looked as if he wanted to do some sort of violence against the PC, but Ianto intervened.  “Why don’t you go home, Andy?  We’ll talk to you again if we need to.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”  Andy stood up, handing his mug to Ianto.  “Thanks for the coffee.”

“No problem.”

Ianto showed Andy out, then returned to the Hub.  He would have about another hour before the team would start to arrive, and something told him it would be a busy day.  He had just enough time to get in a quick one with Jack…

Who was waiting for him in his office. 

Ianto looked at him closely.  “You’re not going to rut against my leg, are you?”

Jack smirked.  “Not unless you want me to.”

“Just, whatever you do, please don’t turn into a rabbit.”

The older immortal shrugged.  “The next time I die, that’ll take care of the rabbit thing.”  He stepped closer.  “Actually, I was thinking that maybe it was time to expand the team again.”

Ianto’s eyes went wide.  “Are you thinking about asking Andy?”  Then they narrowed.  “You just want him around to make rabbit jokes about.”

Jack didn’t answer, but the look on his face spoke volumes.

Ianto wanted to hang his head in shame.  What had he done to deserve this?


Tags: on care and feeding of not-so-fluffy bun, on-verse, torchwood
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