milady_dragon (milady_dragon) wrote,

On Shotgun Weddings and Buns in the Oven

On Shotgun Weddings and Buns in the Oven
Author: Milady Dragon
Rating: PG
Paring: Jack/Ianto
Warning(s): Gratuitous use of Crack, drag!Ten, virginal!Jack, comedy Mpreg
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who, but if I did there would be more of Ianto taking the mickey out of Ten. 
Author's Note:  Yet another story in the continuing saga called the "On-Verse".  This one is for [personal profile] teachwriteslash , as a bribe for more stories in her new verse...and because she's just plain awesome.  This one takes place after On Care and Feeding of Not-So-Fluffy Bunnies...way after.  Like hundreds of years after.  No, I'm not really writing these in any particular order..

Summary:  When Ianto accidentally causes Jack to become engaged to an alien princess, it's up to him and the Tenth Doctor to go to his rescue.  It's me, so you know things get weird...


Ianto Jones sat on the bench outside the Royal Palace of Chalandar, feeling about as frustrated as a human being could. 

It had been two weeks since his mistake had landed Jack in trouble, which had led to the older immortal getting accidentally engaged to the younger daughter of the ruling family.

He’d tried to extricate Jack from the situation.  Ianto had gone to the Chancellor, in order to plead Jack’s case, but nothing had worked.  Not even telling the man that Jack was already married had worked; for one thing, the last valid marriage license he and Jack had, had been dated fifty-two standard years ago.  The other major problem was that Chalandar was one of the few planets left in this part of the galaxy to not recognize same-sex couples.  As far as they were concerned, they were saving Jack from Ianto’s pernicious clutches.    

So, in the end it hadn’t mattered that Jack and Ianto had been married on worlds that did recognize it; they were on Chalandar, and Chalandarian law took precedence.  And Ianto didn’t dare bring up the fact that they’d been married half a dozen times in the 627 years since Ianto had become immortal.  Crap, he didn’t think anyone would believe him, and being locked up in an insane asylum wasn’t his idea of fun.

Although, there was that time with the straitjacket…

No, Ianto…focus!

And so, he sat.  His brain flatly refused to come up with a plan.  Oh well…at least Jack would outlive the bride, plus Ianto was patient…at least things couldn’t get worse –

“Ianto Jones.”

Spoke too soon…

A familiar blue-suited man plopped himself down on the bench next to Ianto.  He joined in staring up at the Palace.  “Hm…I would say the architecture was a cross between Rococo and early 49th Century Goth Chic…”

“Doctor,” Ianto greeted him calmly.  He always wondered why he was always appearing, when all he usually did was bitch about his and Jack’s fixedness driving him nuts.   “Business or pleasure?”

 The Time Lord grinned somewhat manically.  “You know, I have no idea!  But why are you staring at that building?  It hardly seems your style…not that I know what your style is, of course…”

“I prefer it doggy – “

“And enough of that!”

Ianto smirked.  Winding up the Doctor was making his day, despite his irritation at completely failing to get Jack out of his upcoming wedded unbliss. 

“And where’s your partner in crime?” the Doctor went on, scooting away from Ianto until he couldn’t slide any farther without falling off the bench.

“He’s in the ugly building.”

“And what’s he doing in the ugly building?”

“I could tell you…but that would be spoilers.”

The Doctor snorted.  “Still trying to get me back for that?”

“No…I just like giving you a hard time.”

“And you don’t even have to try.”  Was that affection in the Doctor’s tone? 

Oh lord…the man was beginning to like Ianto?

Ianto would have to work on that…

Besides, he knew things that the Doctor didn’t.  In a way, it made up a bit for the whole spoilers thing. 

Just a bit, mind.

“If you must know,” Ianto said, “Jack is in there because he’s getting married to the youngest princess of the royal family.”


Ianto wondered just how he managed to move his head that quickly without getting dizzy.  “I said,” he repeated, “that Jack is marrying the youngest princess – “

“Yes, I heard what you said.  But why on Gallifrey would he want to do something like that?”

“He doesn’t want to.”

The Doctor looked at Ianto sideways.  “He didn’t get her pregnant, did he?”  And what gave the Time Lord the right to look so smug?

That was one of Ianto’s major issues with this incarnation of the Doctor…he always assumed Jack slept with practically anyone and anything.  Which wasn’t true; certainly, there’d been times in their long lives when they’d been apart, and with other people, but it had always been with the express agreement and support of the other.  They couldn’t hang around together all the time.  After all, Ianto got tired of being the adult in their relationship.  And Jack got tired of being called on his table manners.

Ianto couldn’t wait for Eleven to show up…now, that was a Doctor he could get along with. 

Well, except for the spoilers thing.  That seemed to be a running gag with whatever regeneration they ran into.

Instead of snapping back, Ianto simply sighed.  There was no way of changing the man, and he didn’t feel like even trying.  “No, he didn’t get her pregnant.  He…gave her a cup of coffee.”

The Doctor’s eyebrows shop up into his hairline.  “What!?”

And yes, Ianto was a bit tired of him yelling “What!?” at the top of his lungs. 

“We hadn’t even been here for three hours,” Ianto explained, “when we saw these men going after a young girl.  We intervened, and took her back to our ship until she could calm down enough to tell us who she was.  I suggested that Jack give her a cup of coffee…”

The Doctor looked like he was trying very hard to hold in his glee…and not succeeding very well.  “But giving a Chalandarian a cup of coffee is tantamount to a marriage proposal!”

Ianto rolled his eyes.  “I know that…now.”

The Time Lord was practically chortling.  “You’d never be in this predicament if you’d offered her tea!”

He barely restrained the urge to bitch clap the man.  “But that’s why Jack is in there…he’s getting married.”  But something was niggling at the corners of Ianto’s mind; something that the Chancellor had said at their one and only meeting…and the comment from the Doctor about knocking up the princess…

And then, it hit him.

It would also get the Doctor back from being such a prat.


“Stop the wedding!”

Oh yes, Ianto could see why Jack had gotten so much fun out of doing that at Gwen’s wedding.

He held his companion by the wrist as he slammed into the royal chapel, ignoring the murmuring of the wedding guests as he strode down the aisle toward the wedding party.   He tugged harder when the Doctor dragged his heels.

Jack and the princess turned, the older immortal looking almost pitifully happy to see Ianto…and then his eyes grew wide as he recognized the Doctor, and Ianto could tell Jack was having a very hard time keeping his laughter inside. 

But white was a horrible color for Jack.  It made him look positively...virginal.

Ianto would have to scrub his brain out to get rid of that impression. 

“What’s the meaning of this?”

That must have been His Majesty, practically bellowing as guards moved to cut Ianto and the Doctor off.   Ianto stopped his forward momentum, not wanting to get shot.  He hated being shot, it was bugger all getting the bloodstains out, and this was one of his favorite suits. “You need to stop the wedding,” Ianto demanded. 

“And why is that?” the Chalandarian ruler snapped, his eyes going back and forth between younger immortal and Time Lord.

“Because the groom isn’t free to get married,” Ianto announced, pulling the Doctor out from behind him, where the man had been hiding.   “He’s already disgraced one person, do you want him to do the same to your daughter?”

He shoved the Doctor forward, wanting everyone in the room to get a good look.  The blue dress that the TARDIS had provided was a good color for the Time Lord, and the long brown wig looked like it was the Time Lord’s real hair.

And okay…Ianto had to admit that he had nice legs.

But it was what the dress was covering up that had the spectators gasping and making outraged noises.

Where the TARDIS had gotten the pregnancy suit, Ianto didn’t know.  But, wherever that was, it made the Doctor look to be about six months pregnant.

Payback could be a bitch.

Jack’s face had gone red, but it was from suppressing his laughter more than in embarrassment.   There was a distinct hunching of his shoulders, and Ianto thought it was a good thing that everyone was concentrating on the Doctor than on Ianto’s wayward partner. 

“This young lady believed the groom when he made certain promises to her,” Ianto went on, putting as much sincerity as he could into his voice.  “And then he ran out on her when she got pregnant.  How can you want that sort of cad in the royal family?”

‘Cad?’ Jack mouthed, his eyebrow going up.

Jack was just in denial…

“But,” the Chancellor said, coming forward, “aren’t you the young man who – ?”  He made certain motions that no one in the room could misidentify.

That caused another round of gasping and murmuring. 

Silly backward planet.

“I was.”  Ianto held his head up, not at all ashamed of what he and Jack got up to.  “But then I found out about her, and I knew I had to step in and say something.”

“Well, girl?” the King demanded, getting up into the Doctor’s face.  “How do we know this baby is my future son-in-law’s?”

“Ask me anything,” the Doctor answered, in a falsetto so high Ianto was surprised the glass in the chandelier was still intact.  “I’ll even tell you there’s a heart-shaped birthmark on his – “

Ianto cleared his throat, not wanting to know just how the Time Lord had known about the birthmark.  No, he was past jealousy…oh hell, no he wasn’t.   “We have DNA tests that prove it, Your Majesty,” he put in.  He pulled a paper from the inside pocket of his suit jacket.  He handed it over, mentally thanking the TARDIS for the bit of forgery.  And at least he knew how the time machine had gotten a DNA sample from Jack.

Of course, the Doctor hadn’t.  And Ianto got to natter on about spoilers to him.  God, that had been almost as enjoyable as convincing the Doctor to put on the pregnancy suit and dress.

His Majesty took the paper, but didn’t really look at it.  “The wedding is off!” he proclaimed.   “I won’t have my daughter married to someone who gets good girls in trouble.”

Ianto almost had as hard a time as Jack was apparently with not laughing at that.

“However,” the king went on, “since he has so horribly disgraced this young lady, then I so order that they marry instead!”

Ianto about collapsed from the effort to choke back the laughter.  It was very hard to stand when you couldn’t breathe.

“What!?” the Doctor squeaked.

Oh, Ianto was going to mark the day that someone made the Time Lord actually squeak. 

Jack looked unbelievably smug.  Ianto would have to punish him later on for that.

“Bring the girl forward!” the king demanded, still shouting loud enough to rattle the rafters…if the chapel had any.

Ianto gleefully pushed the Doctor forward.  The Time Lord looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but there.  He tried to dig in his heels, but Ianto was more than happy to keep pushing until he stood next to Jack. 

God, that white outfit his partner was wearing was hideous!

The wedding didn’t take long at all.  Ianto took a seat on the first pew, in case the Doctor chose to run for it.  In fact, he was a bit surprised when he didn’t.  But then, there really wasn’t much choice…since there were several well-armed guards around in order to provide encouragement.

Jack even got to snog the bride.   Ianto wished he had a camera, in order to get the look of shocked horror on the Doctor’s face saved for posterity.


As soon as the wedding was over, the three were let loose.  The princess had looked a bit upset that she wasn’t going to be married, but she was bustled out immediately after by her parents, who kept shooting Jack dark glances and making warding signs against evil in his general direction.

The Doctor practically stalked down the street, innocent bystanders dodging the Oncoming Storm’s bad mood and apparent pregnancy hormones.  Jack and Ianto followed, Jack’s arm around Ianto’s shoulders, leaning heavily on the younger immortal as he laughed himself sick.

The Doctor spun around, pointing his finger at the pair.  “I can’t believe you two!” he shouted.  “Next time I’m going to leave you rotting wherever you end up!”

“No, you won’t,” Jack said smugly.  “You wouldn’t leave your husband in the lurch, would you?”  He reached forward to draw the Doctor into his embrace, but the Time Lord danced out of the way.

“NO!  As soon as we can, I’m getting this marriage thing annulled! You tricked me into this!”  And the finger was now pointing directly at Ianto.

“You’re right,” Ianto admitted, smirking.  “I did.”

He had the distinct pleasure of seeing the Doctor gobsmacked…once more.  This day was turning out to be a really good one.  “You admit it?”

“Sure.  Why not?”  Ianto shrugged.  “I’ve been on Chalandar for two weeks.  I spoke to the Chancellor, and I knew that the only way to save Jack was to show that he was a despicable cad who got good girls into trouble.”

“There’s that word again,” Jack muttered.

Ianto elbowed him gently.  “Being a cad can be a good thing.  Now hush, I’m educating the Doctor.”

“Yes, sir,” Jack answered happily.

“As I was saying,” he continued, “I knew that showing that Jack wasn’t prince material would be the way to get him out of the wedding, but I didn’t really think that was a viable option until you asked me if the reason Jack was getting married was because he’d gotten that princess pregnant.”

“Hey!”  Jack took offense.  “If anyone’s getting pregnant around here, it’s me!”

“Maybe later,” Ianto soothed.  “So, Doctor, this is as much your fault as mine.  Besides, it was your TARDIS who had the pregnant suit.”

The Doctor didn’t have anything to say about that.

“And you don’t have to worry about getting the marriage annulled.  After all…” and he grinned, putting enough slyness into it that he could tell Jack was completely turned on by the expression, “same-sex marriages are illegal here.  You’re both men…therefore, there hasn’t been a marriage.”

The relief on the Time Lord’s face was palpable.  “That’s good, then.”  He clapped his hands together.  “Well, I’m off.  I’m sure I’ll see you around some time – “

“If just to yell ‘spoilers’ at me,” Ianto interrupted drily.

“I seem to recall that I didn’t this time!”

“Only because you didn’t get the opportunity.”

“Children,” Jack put in.  “While seeing you two getting into a catfight would be a real turn-on, I suggest Ianto and I go back to our ship, and Doctor you go back to the TARDIS, before the royal family discovers that entire wedding wasn’t on the up-and-up.”

Ianto mentally decided to mark this day as well for being one of Jack’s intermittent bursts of maturity.  “Jack is right,” he said.  “Doctor, it’s been a pleasure.”  He stuck out his hand.

The Doctor looked at it, then gingerly took it.  “I would say the same, but…” he motioned to the outfit he was currently wearing.

He released Ianto’s hand quickly, then without a backward glance he disappeared down the street, leaving the two immortals behind. 

“You know,” Jack mused, “he makes a nice looking woman.  Even with the fake pregnancy.”

“It’s the legs,” Ianto agreed.

“Oh yeah.”

They began to walk toward the spaceport, and Ianto made yet one more mental note to mark this planet as one they wouldn’t visit again.

Although, it had been worth it just to see the Doctor in drag…


Tags: on shotgun weddings, on-verse, torchwood
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