milady_dragon (milady_dragon) wrote,

On Bananas and the Bitchiness of Karma

On Bananas and the Bitchiness of Karma
Author: Milady Dragon
Series: On-Verse
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Warning:  More Crack!  Ice cream, incarcerated!Doctor, well-behaved!Jack, and karma being a bitch.
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who...unfortunately
Author's Note:  Yet another On-Verse story.  This one is a future story, and takes place before On Shotgun Weddings and Buns in the Oven.  I have to thank [personal profile] totally4ryo  once again for the should really keep them to yourself, you know?

Summary:  Jack and Ianto have to get the Doctor out of jail, and there's a bit of karma involved...


Ianto Jones was barely controlling himself.

He wanted to laugh.  More than anything, he wanted to laugh out loud with the ridiculousness of the situation. 

Jack appeared very much the same.

“You’re looking very insufferable,” he said to his fellow immortal.

Jack was trying very hard to act like it wasn’t funny, and failing miserably.  “I just can’t believe it.  After all these centuries…it’s kinda like a form of karma.  That is, if I believed in karma, which at this point I’m really thinking does exist because if it didn’t it would be a crying shame.”

Ianto could completely agree with that sentiment.

It had started simply enough: they’d landed on Masara Beta, the home of one of the largest religious orders in the Phalanx Cluster.  They had all sorts of indecency laws, and Jack and Ianto both had known they’d need to be on their best behavior.  But since they were only there long enough to get a replacement part for their ship’s artificial gravity field, they thought they’d be able to control themselves for that short period of time.

They hadn’t counted on a certain Time Lord in his tenth regeneration showing up.

They also hadn’t counted on that Time Lord getting into trouble within five minutes of setting foot outside the TARDIS.

Which, really…they should have known could happen.  After all, the Doctor was the biggest trouble magnet in the known Universe.

But this…

Jack suddenly burst into laughter.  He was laughing so hard he came to a stop in the middle of the crowd on the walkway, which meant he was blocking the way. 

Ianto was barely hanging onto control by a thread.  He grabbed Jack’s arm to propel him along.  “You’re going to enjoy rubbing his nose into this, aren’t you?”

It took Jack about a minute to get enough breath to respond.  “And you won’t?” he accused, wiping his eyes.

Ianto couldn’t deny it.

It was just too good to pass up.

Jack managed to get control, and together they started back on their journey.  The capitol of Masara Beta was a beautiful city, and Ianto knew he would have enjoyed sight-seeing if it weren’t for the horrendous laws they had on the books.  He knew his limits when it came to Jack, and if the Doctor hadn’t gotten himself into trouble they would have been long gone.

The Office of Public Safety was a large building that had a stucco front that wasn’t really stucco at all.  It was an otherworldly sort of stucco that nearly completely failed to look like what Ianto thought of as stucco.  The Masara Safety Force was their version of police, with blue uniforms that managed to look snappy, yet drab at the same time.  Compared to them, Jack was very much in fashion in his long coat and braces.

They entered the building’s lobby, and Ianto immediately noticed all the public-service posters in their brightly colored obnoxiousness, warning citizens of the dangers of breaking the law.  The place resembled a lot of the police stations he’d seen in the galaxy – and when you knew people like Jack and the Doctor, that was quite a few.  Jack led the way to the reception desk, where a uniformed Masara sat, looking bored and their green skin not quite going with the ugly uniform.

“May I help you, gentlebeings?” he asked politely...or as politely as a bored civil servant could be.

“A friend of ours was arrested about an hour ago,” Ianto answered, before Jack could begin flirting.  He really had no idea if flirting was illegal, but on a planet like Masara Beta it was more than possible.


“The Doctor.”

The Masara’s face went from bored to disapproving.  “That one.  I don’t even have to check my prisoner roster for him.”

“We have a release for him,” Jack hastened to say, and Ianto did notice that there was nothing at all flirty in his manner.  He was grateful that Jack was censoring himself.

His lover produced a piece of psychic paper, and the Masara seemed impressed by what he’d seen.  “You understand the conditions of release?  That he leave the planet within an hour of his being let loose?”

“We do,” Ianto said.  “We’ll make sure he goes.”  He hadn’t been aware that would be on the psychic paper, but that was fine.  The TARDIS was waiting in the cargo bay of their ship, which had been docked in the main spaceport.  It would only take them about half that hour to get back, and a little longer to make space once more. 

Unless something else happened.

God, Ianto hated being such a downer at times.

The receptionist summoned an officer, who led them back to the cells area.  The laughter was building up once more, and he really wanted to see the look on the Doctor’s face when they were the ones to get him out.

Yeah.  In this instance, he really believed in karma.  And she was quite a bitch.

Their guide stopped in front of one of the cells, using a keycard to open the solid metal door.  It swung up with a really loud creaking of hinges…

To reveal the Doctor, looking heartily embarrassed.

He raised a finger.  “Not one word,” he snapped, and Ianto recognized that expression as the Doctor’s ‘Oncoming Storm’ look. 

It made the situation even funnier.

Jack was trying desperately to keep from laughing out loud, judging from the strangled squeak he made.  Ianto couldn’t blame him, because the agony of trying to remain serious was almost too much to bear.

Oh, sod it.  He just couldn’t do it.

“A banana, Doctor?” Ianto wanted more than anything to look forbidding, but figured he just managed to look constipated.  “You ate a banana in public?”

“How was I supposed to know the locals consider bananas as being an obscene fruit?” the Time Lord demanded hotly.

At that point, Jack lost it.  Amidst his chortles he was able to get out, “I never thought you’d be arrested on a public indecency charge!”

The Doctor crossed his arms, glaring as both immortals laughed at his expense.  “If you gentlemen are quite done, can we leave now?”

Ianto grinned like mad.  It was days like this that made putting up with the alien well worth it.


The three made their way back to the spaceport, two uniformed Safety Officers trying to be discrete in following them, and failing utterly.  Just to irritate them, Jack had them stop and buy the local equivalent of ice creams, to eat as they walked.

Ianto had gotten what would have been an iced lolly on Earth; it was a tart, sorbet-like treat, and he found himself enjoying it between him and Jack giving the Doctor grief for not knowing that bananas were considered obscene on Masara Beta, and to eat one in public was considered against their obscenity laws. 

“Do you have any idea how much I enjoyed knowing why you were arrested?’ Jack said, gesturing with his half-eaten cone. 

“Jack and I have decided we believe in karma,” Ianto noted.  He stuck the lolly in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the cold treat.  There was a small and very smutty part of him that pointed out that was exactly the same motion he made when he was sucking Jack.

The Doctor simply huffed, moving through the crowd.  He hadn’t gotten an ice cream, stating that he wasn’t putting anything else in his mouth until he was offworld.  Normally that would have led Jack to make an indecent proposal, but he was still on his best behavior. 

Ianto suspected that, once they were in private, the innuendo would flow like fine wine.

He was really looking forward to it.

Ianto took another hard suck on his lolly, hollowing his cheeks as he did so.  It was quite good, really.

“Um, Ianto,” Jack’s concerned voice brought his attention to his lover.

“What, Jack?”

“I hate to say this, but the way you’re eating that ice lolly…our escort is looking at you funny.”

Ianto glanced around.  It wasn’t just those two officers; it was the crowd around them, staring at him as if they were seeing something horrible. 

Then he realized just what Jack was getting at.

“Oh.  Shit.”

“I think you’ve just single-handedly made that ice lolly another obscene food on this planet.”  It would have been funny if it wasn’t so serious.   “We should get back to the ship before they decide to pass laws about that, too.”  Jack sped up, but even from the back Ianto could tell he was once again trying hard not to laugh.

Ianto and the Doctor followed, and the younger immortal tossed his unfinished treat in the nearest rubbish can.  And here he'd been worried about Jack doing something to get them back into trouble.

Karma really was a bitch.



Tags: on bananas and the bitchiness of karma, on-verse, torchwood
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