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Myfanwy 2

June 2018



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Myfanwy 2

The Men from TORCHWOOD - Chapter Seven

The Men from TORCHWOOD - Chapter Seven
Author: Milady Dragon
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto, Illya Kuryakin/Napoleon Solo; Tosh/Diane, Martha/Tom, other canon pairings
Warning: Language, violence
Spoilers: Up through Season Two, "Something Borrowed", although this is an alternate take on the entire series. None really for "Man from U.N.C.L.E." although I have kept Illya's and Napoleon's retirement professions from "The Fifteen Years Later Affair."
Disclaimer: I don't own "Torchwood" or "Man from U.N.C.L.E.", just kinda playing a bit with them. 
Author's Note:  This is a prequel to my Torchwood Big Bang story, Torchwood Blues (LJ) (DW).  In that story, Jack and Ianto have had a CP for over a year, and this is about the events leading up to that Civil Partnership.  Since this is an Alternate Reality, certain things are different; for one thing, Gwen didn't break the Retcon in "Everything Changes" so she isn't a member of Torchwood;  Owen wasn't killed in "Reset"; and Diane Holmes didn't leave in "Out of Time" and is, in fact, in Torchwood.  As is Tish Jones, Martha's sister.  This is also a crossover with "Man from U.N.C.L.E.". 

Summary: Between alien interference, overprotective uncles, well-meaning teammates, and a disastrous stag do, how do Jack and Ianto cope with events leading up to their Civil Partnership?


Chapter Seven

The “What the Hell was I Drinking?” Affair


Jack awoke with no idea where he was.  It was dark, and he had to fight the fiercest headache he could remember ever having in order to get enough of a look around to realize that he was obviously in their flat, and in their bed.  His muzzy thoughts didn’t spit up that fact right away, though.  No, his brain was moving slower than a Trebian slug...and that was saying something.

In fact, it felt like that self-same slug had curled up in his mouth and died.  Jack let his brain chew on that, and it seemed like forever before it threw up a reason for the shit way he was feeling.

He had the Universe’s worst hangover.

Jack’s mind played with that, then dismissed it…but picked up the notion once more when he figured out he couldn’t actually remember what had happened the night before.  But he didn’t drink enough anymore to get so blinding drunk, and a part of him thought that his immortal metabolism wouldn’t let him get that pissed. 

Then why did he feel like something the TARDIS had parked on?

Jack lay there, just letting his tortured brain float.  Images wafted across his minds’ eye: he remembered meeting Martha at the station, and taking her to dinner…then there was the stag do Owen had arranged…something about karaoke, and an argument between Ianto’s Uncle Illya and the medic, a cute stripper that Jack and Napoleon had taken turns flirting with…

Nothing else.  It was like a black hole had taken up residence in his memory.

He wondered vaguely if someone hadn’t given him liquid Retcon or something.

A warm body was pressed tightly against his, an arm thrown around his waist, and without looking Jack knew it was Ianto; he’d know that familiar form anywhere.  A puff of hot air tickled the short hairs behind his ear, and despite the sheer agony in his skull Jack smiled softly. 

Damn, it hurt even to smile.

Eventually his bladder told him he really needed to get up.  Jack stifled a groan as he attempted to rise, the room spinning around him.  He was reminded disturbingly of the time he’d ridden through the Vortex on the outside of the TARDIS, and that thought set the nausea in motion.  Jack barely made it to the bathroom before whatever he’d eaten the previous day revisited him with a vengeance.

He was eventually able to stand, and to relieve himself.  Jack washed his face and rinsed his mouth, afraid to even glance at himself in the vanity mirror, not wanting to know just how bad he must have looked.  He stumbled back into the bedroom, curling up beside Ianto again and letting sleep claim him once more.

When Jack awoke the second time, a thin band of sunlight was showing through a gap between the curtain and the sill, illuminating a swath of cream-colored wall.  His head didn’t hurt quite so badly, and he luxuriated for a while, wrapped comfortably around his fiancé.  He tried to think back about the night before, but it was still a complete blank.

It worried him.

Ianto began to stir, cuddling closer to Jack.  The immortal smiled softly, knowing that neither man had really been a cuddler until they’d officially moved in together, when they’d finally realized that they slept better together than separate.  Now, Jack couldn’t get enough of it, and he pulled Ianto closer, knowing that the other man was close to awakening.

He only hoped that, whatever had happened the night before that Ianto would remember it, because Jack really didn’t have a clue.

Eventually, Ianto sat up gingerly, looking almost as confused as Jack must have been.  His eyes were bloodshot and heavy-lidded, and once it seemed to sink in where they were, he plunked his head back down onto Jack’s chest, making the older man wince.  “Wake me up when the pain stops,” he moaned.

“Do you…remember?  What happened last night, I mean.”

Ianto was silent for so long that Jack thought he must have gone back to sleep.  But after a bit, he answered.  “No.  Do you?”

“Not a clue.”

“That’s…worrying,” Ianto answered faintly.

“We obviously weren’t up for anything…I’m still wearing my boxers.” 

Ianto shifted slightly.  “So am I.  Um...is it wrong to be concerned about that?”

“Considering you and I never wear anything to bed?”

“Point.  Oh God…what the hell happened last night?”

“It could be worse.”

Ianto was quiet, as if considering Jack’s words.  “You’re right.  We could’ve woke up with Owen in bed with us.  And I think I just made myself ill.”

The younger man practically jumped up, and barely made it to the bathroom in time.  Jack’s own stomach roiled at the noises Ianto was making, and he hoped that he wouldn’t be joining his lover in worshipping at the throne of the porcelain goddess once more.

The toilet flushed, and water ran in the sink.  Ianto dragged himself out of the bathroom and back to the bed, crawling in and looking pitiful.  “I can’t even remember ever drinking enough to get a hangover this bad, not even in Uni,” he whined, once again winding his limbs around Jack’s body.  “Even my hair hurts.”

“I know,” Jack admitted, wrapping himself around Ianto as well.  “I woke up earlier and did the same thing you just did.”

“You never get drunk.”

“That’s what bothers me the most,” the immortal admitted.  “I didn’t think I could.”

Ianto hummed quietly, settling back into Jack’s embrace.  He dozed for a while, and Jack joined him, and it was only another call of nature – this time on Ianto’s part – that roused them once more.  As the younger man got up, Jack glanced toward the alarm clock…and groaned when he saw the time.   He flung the duvet off, swinging his legs over the edge and planting his feet on the floor. 

And he did a double-take.


“Yes, Jack?” came his lover’s response from the bathroom.

“Is there some reason why my toenails are painted blue?”


Jack’s immortal metabolism managed to fight off his hangover, but he still winced a bit when the cog door alarm went off, signaling his arrival at the Hub.  He’d left Ianto in their bed, and it hadn’t taken any convincing on his part to make his lover stay home until he was a bit more recovered.  The last sight of Ianto Jack had had was of the younger man burrowed in the duvet, trying to escape whatever small bits of sunlight that were making its way past the curtains. 

Tosh was at her station, Diane standing behind her with a hand on the other woman’s shoulder.  It had been a bit of a surprise when the two had gotten together, although Diane’s brashness had brought Tosh out of her shell a bit.  And Jack had to admit that they made a really cute couple. 

Both women glanced up at him.  “Good morning,” Tosh greeted.  “Ianto not with you?”

“He should be in later,” Jack answered.  “Tosh, I need your help with something.”

“Sure.”  Then she took a second look at him.  “Jack…you look like you’re hung over.”

“If I do, you should see Ianto.”  He tried to pass it off as a joke, but it fell as bit flat he thought it might.

“But you don’t drink,” Tosh protested.

“And yet…here I am.  Which is why I wanted to ask you do to something.”  He stepped up beside Diane.  “I need you to see if you can get the CCTV footage from the club we went to last night.  I really need to know just what happened, because both Ianto and I can’t remember much of anything.”

Tosh got to work.  “Have you checked with anyone else at the stag party last night?”

Jack snorted. “I tried Owen, and he picked up, cursed me out, then hung up.  Ianto’s uncles’ phones went to voice mail, and Ianto’s friend Ross from UNIT didn’t answer at all.  After that I figured we must all be in the same shape, and that something beyond men getting together at a strip club must have happened last night.”

A coffee mug appeared before his eyes; Jack took it, and while it didn’t measure up to Ianto’s it was just the pick-me-up he’d needed.  He smiled over at Tish, who’d provided the liquid gold.  “You are a goddess among mortals, Leticia Jones,” he praised, taking a sip. 

“You only say that when Ianto isn’t around,” she mock-pouted. 

“That’s only because I can’t have dissention in the ranks if I started worshiping you both,” Jack teased.  “Then everyone would want to be worshipped, and there’s only one of me.”

“I’d love to be worshipped,” Diane said, grinning.

“Not me,” Tosh added.  “Being omnipotent and omniscient is too much hard work.”  Her fingers danced over the keys of her computer.  “Besides, Ianto and I discussed ruling the world, and decided we didn’t want the hassle.”

“You and Ianto would make awesome dictators,” Jack said.  “I’d totally bend to your wills.”

“You can do that with Ianto,” Tosh sniffed.  “Because I have a feeling that wouldn’t be the only thing you’d be bending….ah, here we go.  It was the Club Nightlife, right?”

Jack leaned over, looking at the large center screen as the grainy CCTV footage that it was displaying.  “That’s it.”

“What time did you arrive?”

He had to think about that.  “I’d say…about 9pm or a little after.  Most everyone was already there.”  He didn’t add that he’d had to practically drag Ianto out of their flat, his fiancé not wanting to go anywhere near some place Owen had recommended.

In minutes Tosh had the CCTV brought up, and Jack could see him and Ianto arriving by taxi at the strip club last night.  “Can you check inside?”

“Easy peasy,” Tosh answered, sounding almost insulted.   The picture changed, and now from a camera somewhere in the club they could see Ianto and Jack entering.

“I remember up to a certain point last night,” Jack murmured.  “Just fast forward until I let you know, okay?”

It wasn’t the best picture, and often Jack would lose sight of members of the stag do as they moved throughout the club and into areas not covered by the CCTV.  There wasn’t any sound, either, but it was fairly obvious that certain members of their party were having more fun than others.

“Stop it a second,” Jack directed, seeing something he thought he knew.

Tosh did as he asked, and yes…it was the altercation between Owen and Ianto’s uncle, Illya.  That recollection was on the edge of his memory.  “Can you let it run from here?”

It slowly came back to him; the reason for the argument. Owen had said something to Ianto that Illya had thought was insulting, and he’d gotten up in Owen’s face about it.  Jack couldn’t remember exactly what it was, and he seemed to think that Ianto had tried to stop it…yes, there it was.  Okay, so far he sort of knew what was going on.

But that changed quickly.

Owen practically stomped away, but Jack couldn’t see where he’d gone.  A few minutes later he was back…wait, what was that in his hand?  “Can you tell what Owen’s doing?”

Tosh played with the footage.  “If I blow it up anymore, all we’ll get are pixels.  It’s a crap picture, Jack.  Sorry.”

“No, that’s fine.”  Jack got his nose practically up to the monitor.  He just couldn’t make out what Owen was doing.  He pulled back.  “Okay, start it up again, please.”

Tosh did so, all four watching as last night’s events unfolded.

Diane was the one who noticed the first weird thing.  “Look at Ianto’s UNIT friend and tell me what you see.”

Jack quickly found the person she was talking about.  They all knew Ross Jenkins; Jack had been trying to steal him away from UNIT for months, and the young man and Ianto had become friends during a joint training session between Torchwood and UNIT just after Jack had come back from that Year.  As he watched the screen, Ross got up out of his chair and climbed up on the stage, to dance with the stripper currently doing her show.

Well, now that was completely out of character.

They kept watching.  Ianto had dragged Ross down from the stage, but then the stripper herself got down into the crowd, to the obvious chagrin of the management.  That was when Jack and Napoleon had gone to her ‘rescue’, and Jack could vaguely recall flirting with her shamelessly, as had his future uncle-in-law. 

The entire place seemed to degenerate into strangeness.

No one got violent, that Jack could see.  Everyone appeared to become spontaneously inebriated.  At one point Jack got up on the stage himself, and it was obvious he was singing.

Oh hell…no, he remembered that, if extremely vaguely.  He’d thought it was karaoke, but he’d obviously gotten up on that stage to sing on his own, flanked by two very buxom strippers to act as his back-up singers. 

Do You Wanna Touch Me? by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Sweet goddess, he hoped no one remembered that…they’d be asking just how he knew that particular song and there was no way he was explaining.  There was only so much he could blame on Torchwood missions as it was.

“Please stop it,” he begged, turning away from the screen.  Jack wasn’t often embarrassed by anything, but just the thought of him on that stage, even though it was all a dim blur…

No.  He never would have acted like that if he’d been in his own mind.

And, if he was any judge, he was able to figure out who would know just what had caused an entire club of people to suddenly lose control like that.

Jack flipped open his phone.  “Owen Harper,” he snapped, not even giving the man a chance to say anything, “get that skinny arse of yours into the Hub…now.  You’ve got some explaining to do.”



Oh... My... GOD! I loved this! You, my dear, are genius. I can't wait to hear Illya and Napolean's reactions, much less Ianto's. Naughty Owen! Keep up the good work!
Thanks! *blushes* Don't know about the genius part, but those bunnies are really prodding me hard!

You'll see. Owen's not going to be a popular guy for a bit.
Oh God. I can remember being this drunk. It was at uni, the Classical Studies Department's Halloween party. As the Secretary Treasurer of the Students Association for the department I was actually supposed to be one of the hostesses....but I didn't let that stop me. There are several blank spots, like how I got home,how I got into my own bed in my jammies, and why was there a trail of my costume parts all around the lower floor of the house? And why did I bite that nice young man I was introduced to on the chest? I did it to myself, no one else to blame. I would like to blame Owen, but it looks like he has more than enough on his plate right now. Shame on you Owen, shame!
LOL! Oh dear, I remember doing that too, only mine was when I was a historical re-enacter and it was during a five-day-long hurricane party and we'd gotten stranded in Tampa Florida during an event. Good times. *grins*

Well, Owen's not going to be a really popular guy at the moment...
Aww, Jack and Ianto hungover and cuddling in bed... *wants to cuddle with them* Oh crap, was Owen messing with alien drugs again? *shudders* I would SO pay to hear Jack singing "Do You Wanna Touch Me"! ;D

Great update, love! :D

Edited at 2011-02-22 07:45 am (UTC)
I had fun writing them all cuddled up, even if it was with twin hangovers. And Owen was definitely not up to any good.

I'd pay lots of money to see Jack singing that.
OMG the poor souls...a really bad hangover...I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy..
Well maybe my WORST enemy can have one, but nobody else.
Poor, sweet babies...
Well, when they find out the reason they aren't going to be at all happy, I have to say.
Oh dear has Owen been messing with something alien again? Wish I'd been there for that night. And so tired they kept their boxers on! Great chapter as always - how do you keep producing all these ideas? You are amazing!
Owen just doesn't know when to quit, does he? :)

It's my bunnies...and certain people online who poke me with stuff. They know who they are..
wait to illya and ianto get their hands on owen after jack if he leaves anything alive.
It's not going to be pretty, as I'm sure you guessed! LOL!
Well they obviously all had a good time, unfortunately most of it pretty much against their will. I'd really hate to be in Owen's shoes right now! He just never learns. He's going to be feeding and cleaning up after Janet and Myfanwy forever after this one. And probably on instant decaf indefinitely,too. Does he not understand how the CCTV works yet? At least he didn't escape the monster hangover everyone else has. That would piss them off even more.
Owen's in some trouble, indeed. And no one escaped, which made it even worse...not even those uncles who can kill you in so many creative ways.. :)
I could finally read the last chapters and each of them gets better than the previous one!
Would love to hear Owen's explanation to that!!!!!
Looking forward to reading more soon!

Owen's explanation...well, he thinks it's a good one!

More up soon. :)
I have FINALLY caught up with this, and I'm so enjoying it!
I used to adore Kuryakin as a child- I'd sort of forgotten how much- so a mix of TW meets U.N.C.L.E is fab!
I'm looking forward to more! Please...

I had the biggest crush on him, I swear.

Next chapter should be up this weekend. :)