Author: Milady Dragon
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, perhaps others later.
Warning(s): Language, violence
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, and that's too bad.
Author's Note: This bunny attacked me after seeing a certain picture posted by </a></b></a>bookwrm89 , although these aren't quite the Horsemen she had in mind. I'd also like to dedicate this to her, as well as a big hug and a hope that everything will be better soon. *Hugs*
Also, this bunny apparently awakened a dormant Gwen-muse that I didn't know I had. I'm not quite sure how this makes me feel...oh, and this very much AU. And a bit silly.
A/N2: The end is here! I'm sure there's an Armageddon joke in there somewhere, but I shall refrain. There's also a PDF if you're interested.
Summary: It's Gwen Cooper's first day in the Armageddon Department...
The entire group stared in shock as the lift doors closed, hiding the departing Gwen Cooper from view.
Jack was the first one to recover. He spun, spearing his chosen Pestilence with a glare that would have set any lesser being scurrying for cover. “Owen, you twat!”
He Held his hands, either to shield himself or to surrender, Jack wasn’t sure. “Hey! It’s not my fault she screwed up!”
Apocalypse was livid. He’d always let his Horsemen have their way in staffing concerns, although he did check into just who was going to be coming into his department. Jack had honestly thought that Gwen would have been the one to stay, to stand up to Owen and to put him in his place. “And just how badly did you ‘screw up’ on your first day as Pestilence?” he snarled, stalking toward Owen angrily, getting up into the younger being’s face. “I seem to recall twelve innocents died that day! I had to explain to Good just why Celestial got bombarded with paperwork and why there were those totally unexpected deaths. And then I had to practically grovel to Evil because one of those that died was someone he’d been grooming to become one of his Fallen!”
He was gratified that his points hit home, judging from Owen’s sudden paleness. “Look, Boss – “
“No, I don’t want to hear it. You know how important our PA’s are to the running of this department. And you’ve been through five of them in the last month! And Gwen’s leaving wasn’t even a record for you!”
“None of them measure up to our standards!” Owen tried to defend himself.
“No…none of them measure up to Katie. There’s an important difference there, Owen.” Jack sighed. “Katie’s gone. She took a very well-deserved promotion. This is all about you not being able to deal with what you think of as her betrayal of you, when that’s not true at all. She moved on. If you want her back that badly, then petition Evil to transfer her back.”
That made Owen cringe. Jack was well aware of just what Evil would demand just to hear such a petition, and then he’d never sign off on it. Evil was a sadistic bastard, and that was probably the nicest thing that could be said of him. “I’ll try to do better next time.”
“You’d better be,” Jack growled, “because the next PA coming in here is going to be someone I hire.”
Owen’s eyes widened. “But you can’t – “
“I can, and will. First thing tomorrow I’m going to have Tosh go through all the CV’s that are on file, and bring me the most experienced ones. Whichever one I choose, will report here the following morning for training. And no, Owen…you won’t have anything to do with that training. If the others are good with it, then I’ll have our other PA’s work with whomever I hire. You have no choice, Owen; either deal with it or do your own paperwork. And I mean all of it.”
Pestilence had actually gone pale. “The others were supposed to work with Gwen, and look what happened! She still screwed up!”
Jack couldn’t believe he was still trying to rationalize what happened. “Everyone is going to screw up, Owen…that’s because no one in this room is perfect.” The soft sound of a throat clearing was clearly heard in the silence. “Well, except for Ianto.” Another throat clearing. “And Donna.” He waited to see if anyone else was going to interrupt, and when no one did he continued. “But everyone else – including me – messes up. Your attitude was completely unacceptable, and it lost us what could have been a valuable asset to this department. Now, let’s all finish up, and call it a fairly successful Armageddon. I don’t want to see anyone in here until tomorrow morning, we’ve earned the downtime. Make sure you have enough Angels scheduled to cover any shifts, then take off. And no, Owen. No one is going to help you. You made your bed, so you get to lie in it.”
Pestilence’s shoulders slumped in defeat, but Jack refused to feel sorry for him.
There really wasn’t a day and a night in this dimension; only a lightening and darkening of the Veil Between Dimensions that followed a very specific pattern that the inhabitants of Armageddon used to judge the time. It wasn’t like that in other dimensions, but Apocalypse liked it that way. He was careful to make sure his employees usually got out of the dimension on a schedule that matched the other departments, and it worked well all the way around.
He stared out at the darkened Veil, enjoying the quiet although he himself never slept. Celestial beings didn’t need to, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying a nice lie down, especially after a rousing bout of good sex.
Speaking of good sex…
“What kept you?” he asked, watching his lover approach in the reflection in the large window.
Ianto joined him. “I felt a bit sorry for Owen, so I helped him out for a few minutes. Did you know that the only things on his computer are porn and computer games?”
Jack snorted. “It used to be worse before Toshiko hacked him and cleared it out.” He turned, grabbing Ianto by the hips and pulling him close. “And you…help Owen? Since when have you ever felt altruistic enough to help him?”
“Because then he’ll owe me a favor,” Death smirked. “And he’ll be paranoid that I’ll actually collect at some point.”
Apocalypse chuckled. “You are a sneaky bastard, Ianto Jones.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Ianto said primly, but the sly look in his blue eyes betrayed his amusement. “Oh…and I made sure that the original position in Provocation was still open for Gwen. I thought it was the least we could do after Owen’s shit.”
Jack nodded; he’d been planning on asking Toshiko to do that very thing. “After the bollicking she gave Owen, I’d think Gwen would fit in perfectly down there.”
“I thought the same thing. Besides, she needs a bit of a reward for handling the Armageddon that way she did, even If there was a cock-up with the paperwork.”
Jack pulled him even closer, until their bodies were flush. His fingers trailed up to his blood-red tie, loosening the knot. “And do I get some sort of reward for leading my Horsemen today in a fairly successful Armageddon?”
“You think you deserve something for doing your job, then?” Ianto teased, hands resting on Jack’s upper arms.
“But I do it with such panache,” he retorted, sliding the tie loose and dropping it to the floor. He promptly attacked the exposed pale skin at Ianto’s throat, nibbling and licking it and making the younger man moan.
“That you do,” Ianto answered huskily, his own fingers pulling at the buttons of Jack’s shirt. “Maybe you do deserve some sort of reward…”
Jack pulled back from his exploration of his Death’s neck. “And how to propose to reward me?”
“Well,” Ianto drawled, “why don’t I get the scythe, you get the coat….and I’ll meet you in the bedroom?”
Jack’s heartbeat raced. “You really know how to push the kink buttons.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice.” He reached into his jacket pocket. “I’ll give you five minutes,” he said, clicking the button on the ornate stopwatch he’d revealed, “and counting.”
Ianto sauntered away, and Jack watched his ass as it swayed in those sinfully tight trousers. It was at times like this that he wondered just why Good had wanted to recruit him…when Ianto Jones was so bloody evil he should have been one of Evil’s Fallen. That man embodied so many of the Deadly Sins he should have been the poster boy for the Christian Hell.
He was so glad that Ianto was his Death, and was likely to be for the foreseeable future.
Whistling, Apocalypse went to fetch his coat. He didn’t want to be late…but then, he always enjoyed himself when Death had to punish him…