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Myfanwy 2

November 2018



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Myfanwy 2

The Men from TORCHWOOD - Chapter Eight

The Men from TORCHWOOD - Chapter Eight
Author: Milady Dragon
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto, Illya Kuryakin/Napoleon Solo; Tosh/Diane, Martha/Tom, other canon pairings
Warning: Language, violence
Spoilers: Up through Season Two, "Something Borrowed", although this is an alternate take on the entire series. None really for "Man from U.N.C.L.E." although I have kept Illya's and Napoleon's retirement professions from "The Fifteen Years Later Affair."
Disclaimer: I don't own "Torchwood" or "Man from U.N.C.L.E.", just kinda playing a bit with them. 
Author's Note:  This is a prequel to my Torchwood Big Bang story, Torchwood Blues (LJ) (DW).  In that story, Jack and Ianto have had a CP for over a year, and this is about the events leading up to that Civil Partnership.  Since this is an Alternate Reality, certain things are different; for one thing, Gwen didn't break the Retcon in "Everything Changes" so she isn't a member of Torchwood;  Owen wasn't killed in "Reset"; and Diane Holmes didn't leave in "Out of Time" and is, in fact, in Torchwood.  As is Tish Jones, Martha's sister.  This is also a crossover with "Man from U.N.C.L.E.". 

Summary: Between alien interference, overprotective uncles, well-meaning teammates, and a disastrous stag do, how do Jack and Ianto cope with events leading up to their Civil Partnership?


Chapter Eight

The Video on YouTube Affair


Illya and Napoleon made their way toward the Tourist Office that was Torchwood’s façade, the watery Cardiff sunlight making Illya glad that he had his sunglasses on.  It might not have been very bright, but it still did unpleasant things to the hangover he was nursing.

Both he and Napoleon had woken up somewhat...delicate, that morning.  Neither one could actually remember how they’d gotten back to their room last night, let alone how the young UNIT soldier had ended up sleeping in their closet.  Illya had been bothered by that – not the presence of Ross Jenkins, but the lack of memory – and the message Jack had left in both their voice mails hadn’t made him feel any better. 

After shooing Private Jenkins back to his own room, the two former spies had gotten cleaned up and had headed out toward the quay.  Illya shouldn’t have been feeling somewhat vindictive that Napoleon seemed to be in as fragile a state as he was, since it wasn’t his partner’s fault that he felt like THRUSH had been slowly torturing him for days, but misery did love company. 

He really wanted to know what had happened.  After so many years of being a spy and needing to keep control at all times, Illya Kuryakin was not one to just go out and get so drunk that he couldn’t recall anything of the night before.  Not even for his nephew’s bachelor party was he about to cut that loose; besides, someone had to keep an eye on Napoleon, and he considered that his life’s calling.  No, he suspected something else had occurred last night…and he also suspected that a certain Captain Jack Harkness knew what it was. 

Not that he thought Jack had had anything to do with it.  Just from the way the man had sounded on the voice mail, Illya suspected he was feeling just as rocky as he and Napoleon – and apparently Ross Jenkins as well – were.  No, the enigmatic captain had been a victim of this just as much as anyone else had.  But that didn’t stop Illya from considering that Jack at least suspected what had gone on the previous night.

And Illya was determined to get answers.

As they came up to the Tourist Office, he noticed a young woman frantically waving at the CCTV camera that was mounted above the door. She was attractive, with dark skin and her hair pulled back into a messy-looking tail at the back of her head.  Her clothing was casual, yet managed to look classy at the same time.

She must have noticed them approaching, because she stopped her waving and turned to look at them.  “Good morning,” she greeted in a friendly tone, her accent clearly Londoner.  “I’m sorry, but it looks like the office is still closed.”

Illya gave his usual slight smile.  “That’s fine,” he answered.  “Our nephew works here.  I’m sure he’ll be along shortly.”

The woman’s face lit up.  “Oh!  You must be Ianto’s Uncles Illya and Napoleon!  I’m Martha Jones; it’s nice to finally meet you.”

She shook hands; her grip was firm, and there were faint calluses on her fingers that corresponded with a familiarity with guns.  “Ms Jones,” Napoleon said, taking her hand in both of his.  “It’s our pleasure, surely.”

Illya barely kept from rolling his eyes; even with a hangover, his partner could still flirt.

Martha grinned.  “It’s Dr. Jones actually, but please call me Martha.  I was just trying to get someone’s attention to let me in.”  She waved her free hand toward the camera.  “They’re usually a bit quicker on the ball than this.  Must be a busy morning, but I’m sure they’ll be up in a bit.  Could I have my hand back please?”

Napoleon smiled charmingly, kissing her hand then releasing it.  She retaliated by hugging the man tightly, then turning to Illya and hugging him as well.  Illya thought that his nephew had some very friendly friends…

“So,” Illya asked, “just how do you know Ianto?”  He actually already knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from Martha.

“Well,” she said, “I know him through Jack.  Jack and I used to…travel together with a friend.”

“The Doctor.”

She didn’t look surprised that Illya knew, nodding in response.  “He and I went through hell together.  Jack’s like my big brother, and my family’s sort of adopted him.”  She laughed.  “You’ll be meeting them tonight, at dinner.  You should expect to get thoroughly grilled by my mum about Ianto, and she’s really tenacious when she wants to know something.”

Illya smirked.  “We’ve been questioned by the best – “

“Or the worst as the case may be,” Napoleon cut in.

“ – so I should think we’ll be able to stand up to your mother,” Illya finished.

Martha smirked.  “You haven’t met my mum.”

Illya was about to retort when there was a loud click from the Tourist Office door.  It swung open, revealing the smiling face of Diane Holmes.  “Sorry about that,” she said, ushering them inside, “but Tosh has been busy, Tish is out, and Ianto isn’t in yet.”

That raised concerns, since he was aware of his nephew’s work ethic.  He was about to question it when Martha did it for him.  “Ianto? Not in?  That’s not like him.  He didn’t get drunk last night, did he?” She sounded and looked a bit worried.

“Well,” Diane said, “something happened last night…come on down, and we’ll explain.”

She opened the secret door, and the group headed down to the Hub.  The alarm on the door made both Illya and Napoleon wince in tandem, and they removed their sunglasses in the dimmer lighting.

The first thing Illya noticed this time was the yelling.

He couldn’t actually understand what was being said, but it was obviously the captain’s voice, and he sounded furious.  The ex-spy turned, and saw through the window to the office that Jack was standing next to the desk, leaning belligerently toward his medic.  Owen Harper looked just as belligerent, his hands clenched at his sides.  Jack was doing the yelling, and he looked thunderous.

“Dare we ask?” Napoleon said wryly, glancing at Diane.

“Apparently,” the pilot replied, leading them all over to Tosh’s station, where the technician was busily working on something.  “Owen had fun playing with organic chemistry.”

“We had a plant from the 38th century arrive through the Rift a couple of months ago,” Toshiko took up the story, her fingers dancing over her keyboard as she talked.  Illya was impressed by the multitasking.  “Jack identified it as Krosap, which will be harvested and used as a recreational drug.”

“Owen brought the plant back and started studying it,” Diane continued.  “Turns out he figured out how the Krosap works, and made up a batch – for study purposes, he claims.  But he decided to take some of it to the stag-do last night. And, when the party didn’t seem to be exciting enough – “

“He released it into the club’s air conditioning system,” Tosh added. 

Illya was shocked.  “You’re saying that he let loose something he created from an alien plant into a club full of people?”

“Pretty much, yes.”

The ex-spy turned back to look through the window into Jack’s office once more.  The captain was still reaming Owen out, but the doctor seemed to be looking a bit more contrite.  “Can I kill him after Jack’s done with him?” His tone might have been mild, but he was quietly seething.  Of all the idiotic, insane…Illya couldn’t think of anything else to call it, and he could usually come up with some very interesting adjectives. 

He could vaguely recall part of an argument he’d gotten into with Owen last night, concerning the man’s lack of respect toward his nephew.  The man had argued back, and Illya seemed to remember that Ianto had broken the rather heated discussion up.  He thought there’d been a bit of guilt-tripping involved.

“I’m in line too,” Napoleon growled.  “That was inexcusable.  People could have been hurt.”

“I think we need to check to make sure everyone’s all right,” Martha said, her voice dropping into what Illya had always called ‘doctor-mode’; every medical practitioner he’d ever met had mastered that tone.  “We should run blood tests, scans…”

“I’m running searches and face recognition on the people who’d been in the club right now,” Tosh said.  “I’ve managed to track most of the clubbers and all of the employees.  So far, there haven’t been anyone taken to A&E, but Tish was monitoring the police channels before Jack sent her to the train station to pick up your family, Martha.”

“I can do that,” Napoleon volunteered.  “Just show me where.”

Diane took him to a desk and showed him how to access the system.  Illya watched his partner settle in, a headset held up to one ear, the look of concentration on his handsome face. 

“What can I do?” he asked.

“I need to run searches online for any evidence of what happened last night,” Tosh answered.  “We have specialized software that we use to search the internet.  If you can feed the names into the engine, it’ll search the social networks and websites for anything that might be from last night’s party.”

Armed with the list, Illya was given the last empty desk…which had to have been Ianto’s, if the neatness was any indication.  He made himself comfortable, and began to run the parameters of the search.

Illya might have been one of the premier fashion designers in Europe and America, but he’d earned his degree in Quantum Mechanics from Cambridge, and he knew his way around computers.  Immediately he recognized that the Torchwood mainframe was something a step above anything he’d ever seen, and that was saying something.  Napoleon had been the one to move into computers after their retirement from U.N.C.L.E., but Illya hadn’t let his own knowledge fade.  He’d kept up with the latest technologies, and so he had no problem with the task Toshiko had set for him. 

He didn’t find much, figuring everyone would still be hungover.  His own headache was a throbbing behind his eyes, but Illya refused to give in.  He pushed his glasses up on his nose, and concentrated on his work. 

Really, he’d had no idea he’d be an ad-hoc member of the Torchwood team when he’d said he’d come to his nephew’s civil partnership!

He heard the door alarm go off twice: once, when Owen had stormed out of the Hub, looking like someone had just kicked his favorite puppy; the other was Ianto arriving, wearing a sleek charcoal pinstripe that had Napoleon murmuring a “Nice look” as their nephew passed.  Soon, the smell of coffee permeated the workspace, and Illya could feel the airborne caffeine surge into his bloodstream by osmosis. 

A small chime signaled that the program had found something.  Illya sat up, to see what had turned up.

It was a YouTube video.

He watched a few seconds…and then burst into laughter, drawing everyone in the Hub to look over his shoulder.

The strains of Joan Jett’s ‘Do You Want to Touch Me?’ rang from the computer’s speakers, sung in the unmistakable voice of Captain Jack Harkness.

A strangled sound came from the aforementioned captain as he leaned over Illya’s shoulder, and a look of horrific embarrassment crossed his face.  Illya felt sorry for him…for about two seconds.  He just couldn’t help it, it was far too funny for words.

“Oh god,” Jack moaned.  “Please turn it off.”

An arm reached around Illya, to move the mouse in order to pause the video; it was obviously Ianto’s, trying to save his lover’s last shred of dignity.  “Looks like the bartender took this,” the ex-spy said.  “Personally, I’m surprised he was able to get that up so fast, what with the effects of whatever it was in the air.”  He tried to sound nonchalant, but he couldn’t stop the smallest bit of laughter from entering his tone. 

“Erase it,” Jack ordered.  Then, as if realizing that Illya wasn’t a member of his team and that he had no right to order him to do anything, he added, “Please.”

The distinct sound of boots strode away, and a door slammed somewhere.  “I’d better calm the beast,” Ianto said.  “Why don’t you take care of that video, Uncle Illya?”

Illya nodded, preparing to prompt the program to remove the only evidence of Jack’s singing from YouTube.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him.  “Burn me a copy before you do,” Ianto murmured in his ear.  “Tosh knows how.”

A sly grin decorated Illya’s face.  Well, maybe more than one copy…



hope owen finds a doctor protection home real soon because he is going to need it.
Yeah, you don't mess with someone who kill you with their little finger! *grins*
Oh dear Owen's in trouble now - anyone got that tape? Great chapter.
I do really want that tape... *grins*
Lol! Great chapter, hon. :-)
Thanks! *hugs*
I want a copy, too! ;) Shame on you, Owen!

Really cool that the Men From UNCLE became part of the team. They would've been a great fit back in the day... :)
Yes, they would have been great in Torchwood when they were younger.

And I want a copy of that video, too! :)
Being a doctor, you'd think Owen would have known better, but then we are talking about Owen here. Common sense seems to go straight out the window for him when it comes to Ianto. You'd also think though, that after Ianto kept him from getting killed by his uncles before, his sense of self-preservation would be enough to keep him in line. He only has to behave for a few days till they leave town, after all.

Anybody got any pull with JB? I bet he'd make that video for us!
Yeah, but Owen was also the one to use that pheromone spray (which I still hold against him).

And sometimes I think Owen has less self-preservation than Jack does!

I would do serious bodily harm to have JB sing that on a video!
HAhaha, of course Ianto wants a copy...don't we all?!!!!!
I'd commit illegal acts for one! *laughs*
It's ROSS I feel sorry for! Waking up in a closet with two killer spies in the room! What an awful way to wake up!
But yes, someone find JB and see if he will make us happy....he loves us, doesn't he?
LOL! Well, at least it was in the closet and not in the actual bed with them. That could have gotten...well, interesting...*grins*

If I had a pipeline to JB, I'd totally ask him!
O.O Damn Owen... He's lucky he had anything left of him when Jack was done with him. But there's still the others to get their turns. Probably Jack will want to have another go round with whatever is left too.

And now whenever I listen to that song, especially the live version, I'm going to picture Jack singing it. LOL! And once again, Ianto proves that he's a very smart man - he made sure there was a copy before it was removed from YT.

Now if only we could tune into YT and find JB singing that song. *sigh*

Wonderful job, as always. I can't wait for the next chapter! :)
He is irresponsible Owen, especially for a doctor.
Personally, I would leave well Naopléon and Illya a few moments with Owen
is there any more to this and how many chapters and have they been put on yet
Glad you liked it!

There will be more, it just got put on hold for a bit. I am working on the next chapter though, and hope to have it up at some point. :)
ok thank u